Your son or daughter leaving home is one of the most significant events of parenthood. So how can you make the transition easier and leave them ready to enjoy freshers’ week?
One thing to consider is how long you should stay when you drop your child off. The answer may depend on how your son or daughter feels about going to university. They may want to say goodbye quickly so they can go and meet new housemates, or they might want the reassurance of you being around for a bit.
Vicki Maule dropped her daughter off at university last year. She says: “My husband and I felt it was important to keep the dropping off brief, as we were aware it was going to be emotional.” Maule had done a big food shop for her daughter beforehand, so they stayed to unpack the car, help her unpack a few boxes and make her bed. After that, they left, and their daughter “seemed happy, excited and relaxed about our leaving”.
You don’t want to be a helicopter parent, hovering around for longer than your child wants you there. But for some, it may be important to stay for a day or even a weekend. Aimee Heeran, a student at Bristol University, wanted her parents to stay for a while so she could properly settle in. “We went shopping and then went out for dinner. After I walked around the city with them I felt more comfortable and relaxed,” she says.
If your child is going to university in a different country it could be even more important to stay a bit longer and help them to settle in.
There are no rules: the important thing is to do what’s right for you and your family. Heeran says: “Everyone is different. I know some friends who sent their parents back home straight away. And I know some people who had their parents stay for the weekend in a hotel while they settled in.”
If you or they get upset it can make things difficult. Many parents say it can be heartbreaking to drive off when you know that your child is crying in their room. Remaining as calm and happy as possible will help, says Heeran: “My mum waited until she had driven round the corner away from sight and then had a cry. She says she knew that if she started crying in front of me I would have felt emotional.”
If you think you will find it too difficult to take them to university, you could consider not going. Elizabeth McKeown didn’t want to drive her daughter to uni as she thought she’d find it upsetting. In the end, she says she did end up going - and “sobbed my heart out, I couldn’t eat or stop crying”.
If your child’s other parent is happy to take them, and won’t be as distressed by it, then that could be an alternative option. When Suzanne Noble’s son went to the University of Sussex, his father dropped him off. Noble only dropped him off during his second year. She says: “I had a look around his house and was grateful that I wasn’t the one that was going to have to live there.”
The important thing to remember is that your child will probably love university, even if they find leaving home hard at first. In freshers’ week there are often so many activities arranged that they’ll constantly be busy. Heeran says: “After my family left I introduced myself to my flatmates and we went for a walk together around the city. When we got back to the flat we all got ready for the first night out. It was exciting and a good distraction from feeling homesick.”
With this in mind, it’s worth making sure that you have things planned for when you get back home. Jeremy Todd, chief executive of charity Family Lives, says: “Parents can start to prepare themselves for the changes ahead and the loss they may feel when their child moves out by re-discovering themselves, their relationships, and life after children.”
The charity advises keeping busy and making plans for the weeks after your child has moved out – whether that’s spending more time with friends, starting a new hobby, or doing new things with your partner. And remember that you are still an important part of your child’s life. As Todd says: “Just because they have moved away, it doesn’t mean they don’t need you, or your reassurance and support.”
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