Name: Dominic Cummings.
Age: 45.
Appearance: A hard-boiled egg with the haunted eyes of a man who has seen Michael Gove without his mask.
He was Gove’s special adviser, wasn’t he? Yes, then campaign director of Vote Leave.
He was behind the Great Unpleasantness, wasn’t he? He is believed to have been influential in helping Gove stab Boris in the back to facilitate Gove’s bid for the Tory leadership, yes.
That didn’t work, did it? Amazingly, despite Cummings’ reputation as a world-renowned, totally brilliant, mastermind genius, it did not.
With whom does he have this reputation? Dominic Cummings.
And what has his latest totally brilliant, mastermind genius move been? To call David Davis “thick as mince, lazy as a toad and vain as Narcissus”.
What masterly, deep-cover, strategic thinking lay behind this utterance? Davis has a lock on the Tory party leadership once May is defenestrated. Cummings presumably reckons that by “undermining” him he is clearing the way for someone louder and blonder to take the prize – and reward him for his help once he does.
Wait – he’s an outrider for Boris? The man he and Gove … ? Yes.
Will this work? What do you think?
What’s wrong with the man? You have to remember how he is suffering.
Hmm? He is tormented by the way Brexiters have failed him.
What? None of them has understood – unlike Dominic – how Brexit was supposed to be.
And how was it supposed to be? It was supposed to be a Thing of Beauty. A Paltrow-Martinesque conscious uncoupling.
That sounds … deluded. David Cameron once called him “a career psychopath”.
Sounds as if the man got at least one thing right during his premiership. A stopped clock, my friend, a stopped clock.
Do say: “This wouldn’t have worked without me!”
Don’t say: “It hasn’t worked with you.”
