I want to say a big thank you to Lucy Pasha-Robinson for her article about baby sleep, which I read while fruitlessly attempting to get my three-month-old to nap (Baby sleep has become a sign of parenting competence – and a source of shame, 28 August). I have come to conclude that it is purely a matter of luck whether you have a baby that sleeps or not. Any other conclusion would be the road to insanity after trying every single tip (apart from crying it out) to get both my children to sleep.
My older son started sleeping through the night some time after he turned three. As Lucy points out, what is even worse than the sleep deprivation is the overwhelming feeling that you have failed as a parent in some way if your baby doesn’t sleep.
While I understand that much of the advice you get as a parent is well-meaning, it can be painful to receive when you feel you have already tried to do everything right, to no avail. It is hard to believe that a parent who is lucky enough to have a baby who sleeps can truly empathise with the parents who don’t.
We also tend to hear much more about the babies who sleep well rather than those that don’t, perhaps due to the stigma and shame attached to “failing” to get your baby to sleep. Maybe it’s time we started speaking up more so we realise that we are really not alone. Building networks of sleepless friends would allow us to genuinely empathise with each other – and to collectively celebrate those longer stretches of sleep when we finally get them.
Polly Procter
Bristol
• As a mother of five children who ranged from the toddler who could fall asleep standing up to the baby who woke six times a night for months, through many other variations of sleepless children, I cannot emphasise enough how happy I was to read Lucy Pasha-Robinson’s piece. She provided a welcome riposte to the many people, including other mothers and writers of parenting manuals, who feel able to offer solutions to sleep problems. Underlying much of the advice is the strong implication that you are just not getting it right – ie you lack parenting skills.
My personal experience is from a number of years ago, but I am seeing the same scenarios being played out in my grandchildren. Lucy hit the nail on the head. Some children are just not good sleepers. The reasons vary, and it can indeed happen at different stages. Those parents whose children sleep 10 hours or more without waking may well have followed a regime, but often the reality is that they have children who like to sleep. Those of us who have had children who did not conform to the apparent norm are not inadequate, and we should not have to feel shame. Yes, the tiredness is hard to manage, but it is much worse if you are constantly thinking that you must somehow do better.
Babies are individuals. They are not all going to behave the same way, whether it is in sleeping, eating or their general approach to the world. Someone said to me once that a mother knows her child best. It can be helpful to get advice when you are unsure about what to do, but often it is the child you need to listen to. And trust your instincts.
Patricia Russell
Linlithgow, West Lothian
• My heart goes out to Lucy Pasha-Robinson. I was reminded of the old saying: “The best way to sleep like a baby is to have a baby that sleeps.”
Siobhán Ní Chuanaigh
Dublin, Ireland
• Have an opinion on anything you’ve read in the Guardian today? Please email us your letter and it will be considered for publication in our letters section.
