NEARLY THERE NOW
Mere moments after the German international handball team battered France to the tune of a 0-2 defeat and exit from Euro 2016 at the Stade Vélodrome, our stereotypical French cousin Street Miming Embarrassing Rap Music Haw-Hee-Haw-Hee-Haw Fiver was predictably, and excitably, on the blower. He was speaking French so we haven’t a clue what he was waffling on about, but the general gist seemed to be that he was pretty chuffed that Les Bleurgh! were through to the final where they’ll face Portugal, a team universally loved by, ah, hang on … universally loathed by pretty much everyone, perhaps even some of the players themselves. But does a session with Dr Hubris await our dear and quite possibly deflated third-favourite cousin next Monday morning?
Having progressed to Paris playing a brand of football so dull you could hang it above a northern mill town and call it weather, He and They haven’t really felt the love in the nation generally considered to be the home of special cuddling. But what if, and bear with The Fiver here, He and They are actually just cleverer than us? [Hard to imagine, isn’t it? – Fiver Ed] Maybe, just maybe, by plodding around the pitch like 11 somnambulists on a grand day out, they have intended to lure their opponents into a state of apathy so utterly complete that all He has to do is shout Me! to divert the ball goalwards and be The Difference. It’s one theory anyway – and it certainly worked against Wales, with Jinkin’ Joe Ledley seemingly only waking up to the realisation that he’d been sent skittering out of Euro 2016 a full 36 hours after the event. “They scored two crappy goals – [His] shot was useless. Normally [He] hits them from there, but [He] scuffled the cross for a tap-in,” he grooved, having to invent a new word for Their revolutionary brand of football.
But of course He hasn’t wanted to make a big deal of it, adopting His usual humble approach before the final. “I deserve it, [They] deserve it, the fans deserve it – every single Portuguese person deserves it.” The other theory about Him and Them is that they know better than most how to ride roughshod all over a party, having had their own Euro shindig destroyed when Greece parked their bus all over it during the Euro 2004 final. France won’t be helped by the fact that they’ll be playing to a Thursday-Sunday Big Vase schedule either, perhaps adopting the role of Manchester United in a Sunday encounter with something like, um, let The Fiver think, West Brom + Him. Yeah, that’ll do.
But then the French have triumphed over a sleepwalking star in a major tournament at the Stade de France before. Maybe, just maybe, like Bruce Willis in Armageddon, they’re hurtling towards a gloriously heroic and inevitable end. France boss, Diddy Deschamps, seems to think so. “We don’t have the power to solve the French people’s problems but we can ease their worries,” he roared. “There is a lot of passion and fervour. There is a lot of happiness all over France.” The Fiver’s third-favourite cousin would like it to remain that way.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
6 July: “Lazio announces that it has already deposited the contract of Marcelo Bielsa and his staff. The club also announces that, as per the communication received, the coach and his staff will be in Rome on Saturday 9 July” – Lazio go for El Loco in their move for a new manager.
8 July: “We note with amazement the resignation of Mr Marcelo Bielsa … in a clear violation of the commitments undertaken in the agreements signed last week” – probably not going to be in Rome on Saturday now, then.
FIVER LETTERS
“That is the final (pun intended) nail in the coffin. Uefa, in its infinite wisdom (irony, this time), have awarded the officiating of my least-desired final to that self-obsessed, spiritual descendent of the Ringling Brothers, the arch-clown, Mark Clattenburg. Forget the weekend spent topping up his Trumpesque perma-tan, he should be polishing some oversized, spatula-toed, brown brogues and filling up his squirty flower for his lapel. My only hope is that the enormous narcissism-overload caused by his intimate proximity with Him will be enough to cause a rent in the cosmos and that the whole thing will be sucked into the infinite vacuum of a black hole occasioned by the sudden disruption in the heavens. That’s it. Rant over. As, for me, are these finals” – Budgie Wright.
“Excellent. Thanks to Adrian Bradshaw (yesterday’s Fiver letters) we are on to NME reviews. My favourite was the seven-word review of Jan and Dean’s Greatest Hits: ‘A must for Jan and Dean fans’” – Tony Crooks.
“The NME was equally dismissive of Iron Maiden’s 1982 smash hit, Run to the Hills, using just five words to sum it up: ‘Don’t think I wasn’t tempted.’ Which reminds me: when is England’s next game?” – Andrew Blackman.
“Apropos of nothing in particular, the photograph of the Stade Vélodrome in yesterday’s Fiver brought to mind several thoughts. Firstly, I shouldn’t wish to watch football from the position taken by the photographer, as I’m sure the extreme architectural curvature would render me queasy. Secondly, if I did want to watch a match in Marseille, I’d be more likely to ask directions for the Footodrome, or le Stade de Foot, than the Vélodrome. While I admit that the curves are reminiscent of, well a velodrome, I can’t see the Tour de France finishing with several laps of the roof. However, the stadium could serve as an adequate model for the space-time continuum distorted by gravity. All in all, it’s an example of Gallic style over substance, which is one of the reasons why Germany will triump … ah” – Ian Tasker.
“I have to say that while it boggles the mind that we now live in a world where Bournemouth have had a £15m offer for Jordon Ibe accepted (yesterday’s Bits and Bobs), at least we don’t yet live in a world where Bournemouth have had a £15m offer for Jordon Ibe rejected” – Alan Paul.
“won gnineppah eb deedni yam siht taht desilaer tsuj ev’I tnemtniopassid gnidnepmi eht fo erawa ylluf eb lliw ew ylno esahp noisnapxe eht gnirud sa emas eht secnamrofrep dnalgnE fo ecneirepxe ruo gnikam ybereht ,seiromem ruo lliw os tub sdrawkcab nur emit lliw ylno ton ,tcartnoc seod esrevinu eht fi taht (Fiver letters passim) seivaD nytraM ot tuo tniop ot stnadep 750,1 fo tsrif eht eb I yaM” – Dave Crowther (and no others).
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Alan Paul.
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BITS AND BOBS
Liverpool suits have shovelled out a bumper six-year deal to Jürgen Klopp. “When you have an individual of Jürgen’s quality in the building it makes perfect sense to secure that person for the long term. To not do so would be irresponsible,” they cheered.
Pep Guardiola has been wheeled out for another unveiling as Manchester City manager. Greedy. Anyway, this time he’s talking about José Mourinho. “We played many times against each other. I can say, they help me, the big coaches, and José is one of them, they help me to reach another level,” he cooed.
The family silver at Nasty Leeds is being flogged, with Lewis Cook heading for Bournemouth in a £6m move.
Wales are currently having their big homecoming party, landing at the shamefully-renamed-for-a-day Cardiff Bale Airport. All, that is, apart from Jinkin’ Joe, who’s busted a move to Ibiza, where he’s getting married on Saturday.
Petr Cech has called time on his Czech Republic career. “When I was a kid, my ultimate dream was to play for the national team at least once,” he trilled. “Having done it so many times makes me really proud.”
The Pope’s Newc O’Rangers look set to lose Martyn Waghorn and James Tavernier after they rejected new contracts.
And in protracted-transfer news that we’ve grown particularly weary of, AZ forward Vincent Janssen expects to call himself Spurs forward Vincent Janssen – he likes to use the third person, OK – imminently. “It is a beautiful club with a fantastic stadium and heaps of potential. Anyone in my shoes would take this step,” he bugled.
STILL WANT MORE?
In his latest creation, David Squires looks back at the Euro 2016 semis.
Simone Zaza misses out to some spectacular run-up stumbles, crossbar blazes and Panenkas gone wrong in this very entertaining Joy of Six: terrible penalties.
Self-belief that just won’t die: Rob Smyth explains why He is like The Revenant ahead of the Euro 2016 final.
Withdrawals, anger and apathy before a ball is kicked: Martin Belam has the skinny on why the Football League’s new plans for the Freight Rover Trophy haven’t received the standing ovation they were expecting.
Paul Pogba taught Germany a thing or two about cutting edge in Marseille, and not just with his jazzy hairdo, writes Barney Ronay.
After Bastian Schweinsteiger’s semi-final misdemeanour, Gregg Bakowski has a solution for the great handball dilemma.
What does the lush green grass at Villa Park and Parc de Princes have in common? Richard Foster reveals all with the inside scoop on the unseen work of football ground staff.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. AND INSTACHAT TOO!
