Name: Workie
Age: Unknown.
Appearance: Child’s fever dream. Possible driver of the Ninky Nonk.
He looks like a psychedelic Honey Monster. Is there a new breakfast cereal that has given up all pretence to nutrition and is now composed of sugar and e-numbers? No. This is Workie.
I remember him! He was on telly 30-odd years ago. He taught me about the magic letter E! It turns “CAP” into “CAPE”! I don’t remember him looking like that, though. But time plays cruel tricks on us all. No, you’re thinking of Wordy from the 1980s educational kids’ show Look and Read. This is Workie.
Oh. Who’s he? The striking physical embodiment of the workplace pension.
I’m sorry – have you ingested some of Workie? I am quoting pensions minister Ros Altmann, who was personally involved in designing Workie, the figurehead of a campaign to raise awareness of workplace pensions.
I already have a workplace pension. It’s three free biscuits a day if I can get to the office kitchenette early enough. You see – you need Workie to tell you that you are entitled to a real workplace pension – money invested for your future, not Garibaldis staving off hunger pangs till lunch – and that your employers must enrol you in a scheme if you are over 22 and earn more than £10,000 a year.
If Workie is aimed at people over 22, why does he look like a child’s fever dream, the possible driver of the Ninky Nonk and a psychedelic Honey Monster? You would have to delve inside a Tory minister’s mind. Do you want to do that?
I do not. I didn’t think so.
Maybe it’s to distract us all from the increasing impossibility of ordinary people being able to save for anything, never mind the future, under Conservative rule? Nonsense.
Or the collapse of final salary schemes enjoyed by the baby boomers? Or the gold-plated provisions enjoyed by captains of industry, banking and government, be they ever so incompetent, briefly employed and/or corrupt? Look! Look at the funny, furry monster! See him caper! See him dance! Whoo-whoo! Look over there! Is that the Ninky Nonk?! Just keep looking over there!
Do say: “What kind of annuity can I expect?”
Don’t say: “Assuming I don’t die of malnutrition or hypothermia trying to subsist on my remainder pay before then.”
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