Dear Eva,
I am a woman in my mid-20s. Usually I think of myself as quite funny, sensitive, intelligent, creative, not-bad-looking. I do not say this to brag, but I like myself and I don’t necessarily blame myself if a date doesn’t turn out the way I hoped it to.
So here’s the problem: I sometimes have one-night stands and usually I don’t have much trouble keeping a certain distance. But I also had more meaningful encounters that didn’t work out, and now I’m starting to think that either I come on too strong or I take men too seriously.
I had a great date through Tinder with someone who seemed great. He made me laugh, he was sensitive, creative, intelligent. We spent almost 24 hours together. We had dinner at his place, went to see a theatre play (where we ran into his ex), had a few drinks, I stayed over, we had breakfast. There may have been some moments that could have given me a clue (like him saying that he didn’t fall in love so easily any more, or the moment he said ‘now what?’ when we were at the door) as to what was going to happen. But there were also moments that were magical – like when he told me that it was OK that I finished his sentence because it meant we could be a good duo, and the ways he looked at me in bed, not only during sexual activities.
I took the initiative to invite him over for dinner somewhere the next week. He said he liked the idea, but he didn’t know yet when it would suit him. We kept in touch and it seemed to go the right way. Then, one day before we would meet again, he texted me that running into his ex with me had felt very strange for him, that he had talked about it with her and that he thought it would be better if we left it at this.
My question to you is: do you think I take men too seriously when they tell me beautiful things, stare into my eyes, stroke my hair? Or that I take first dates too seriously? Because I am starting to get cynical about love.
***
Hey, you.
I feel you! I mean, I really feel you. I may be nearly a decade older than you, but what you describe here is not dissimilar to some experiences that I’ve had. One man alluded to our future together after one date and then told me we had to “break up” after our second (“We’re not in a relationship,” I responded, “but OK?”)
Another courted me wildly for three weeks, turning up on my doorstep and insisting on taking me out for four nights in a row, even when I had other plans, at the conclusion of which he told me that I was “too into it”. A third demanded a second date before the first was over; he turned up and announced: “It was wonderful spending Saturday evening with you, and it made me realize that I want to be alone right now.”
This is bad behavior. And it’s weird that it’s bad behavior, because in theory a man telling you that he thinks you’re wonderful should be a sign that he thinks you’re wonderful, not a sign that he is going to let you down hard.
Here’s a funny thing (peculiar, not hilarious): I think that many of us have been socialized to understand that this kind of behavior would be considered crazy if coming from a woman, but is somehow charming when it’s delivered by a man. The widespread presumption is that women want commitment and that men do not, so we’re trained to behave accordingly. I would never express any thoughts about the future beyond the next five minutes on a first date. But a man who does that seems somehow sensitive and alluring. In my experience, however – and in yours, it seems – this expressed desire often leads to disappointment.
In your letter (which I edited a bit for length), you acknowledge that when you were being swept off by your feet by this man and others, you felt some pangs of disquiet. I have, too. In all of these cases things felt like too much too fast, but I tried to push misgivings aside because it would have been so nice if it all turned out to be Hollywood-style love at first sight.
But then I think about the one relationship in my life that was like that: we were both smitten from the moment we met, but it took a number of encounters before we acknowledged it. I guess we were trying to be a bit sensible, to not rush into an untenable love affair. The result lasted for years and was, for the most part, lovely.
It’s not that you shouldn’t trust men. It’s that you should remain skeptical of men who stroke your hair and whisper sweet nothings within the first hours of meeting you. People who do that have their own agenda in which you are not a priority. How do I know this? Because they don’t know you yet!
So here’s my recommendation: keep the first date to coffee. It’s way less likely for weird hair-stroking to ensue when there’s no alcohol involved. If you graduate to a second date – many of these folks will not take it there, because they are too self-absorbed! – then it may be time to consider letting your guard down a bit. You’ll get there. It’s just likely to take longer than one date.
