MR LIVERPOOL
“I’ve asked a number of people and I’ve asked a lot of my staff if they could describe Steven in one word, what would it be?” journalists were told today by Brendan Rodgers, who has rarely been known to use one word when 800 will do. “I heard all the words you will have heard before, words that come to mind in terms of being genuine, quality and world class, all the adjectives you would describe him with,” continued Rodgers before announcing that he himself – not his staff, not any hack and certainly not Rafa blummin’ Benítez – is the best man to capture $tevie Mbe in a nutshell (suit).
“For me, the word I would describe him with is ‘Liverpool’,” said Rodgers of the man about to relocate to Los Angeles. “Not just Liverpool as a football club or Liverpool and the supporters but Liverpool the city ... What he has given to this city, politicians haven’t given to this city. Local hospitals, the charities, all the work he does, it’s unheralded,” heralded Rodgers, as certain London-based football fans also called for continued recognition of the generous donation that Gerrard once made to Demba Ba.
Characteristically, Rodgers’ effusive eulogy collapsed just short of its intended goal, as the manager dissolved into a pool of hot tears before he could get so far as calling for Elton John, or maybe Cilla Black, to pen a farewell song before the player’s final competitive appearance at Anfield tomorrow. Rodgers’ last audible words before prolonged banshee wails were: “He is a wonderful symbol for the people here and an incredible, incredible icon for the club.”
Tomorrow, as all around him break down, it will, as so often, be up to the lion-hearted legend himself to lead by example. By Sami Hyypia’s example, to be precise. “I remember Sami Hyypia cried after his last game,” interjected Gerrard. “Sami was a big, tough centre-half but definitely had an emotional side. I have, too, but I don’t think there’s anything to be ashamed of if you shed a tear, especially if you have a love and affection for the supporters.” Hankie vendors of the world, get yourselves over to Anfield tomorrow to make a quick buck.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“We are talking about the most beautiful sport and most passionate in the world and it’s been directed by a freezer, someone who should live in a block of ice. I only ask God, and my mum that is in heaven, that I can have the opportunity to get this man out of Fifa and give the people what they deserve” – Diego Maradona, who is backing Prince Ali Bin al-Hussein to become Fifa president, doesn’t hold back when asked what he thinks of Uncle Sepp.
FIVER LETTERS
“Re: solid gold bedding (yesterday’s Fiver). May I be the first of doubtless 1,057 pedants to point out that while it’s true a solid gold duvet would generate no warmth, neither do most normal duvets. They act as insulation allowing the heat generated by the person(s) underneath to be retained, but unless they’ve been set on fire they aren’t actually a source of heat themselves” – James Kirk.
“Let me rebut The Fiver’s assertion that Florentino Pérez’s duvet should generate warmth, rather than simply insulate the warmth he generates from easily dissipating away from him. True, with a quite high thermal conductivity of around 318 W.m^-1.K^-1, solid gold is far worse a choice for a winter duvet then a standard peasant filling like polyester (around 0.5 W.m^-1.K^-1 or less). But if he did want a crazy-rich-person-nonsense duvet that also kept him warm, given that a prime chemical ingredient in hair gel, PVP, has a thermal conductivity below 0.5 W.m^-1.K^-1,* I would suggest The Fiver’s hypothetical Pérez instead bring some shears down to the Bernabéu and proceed to stuff his duvet with the glistening locks of Him” – Mehrun Etebari.
“I was confused when I read that Spurs keeper Brad Friedel, 93, will retire (yesterday’s Bits and Bobs). Then I read the article and worked it out. He had 310 consecutive starts, by 43 years of age, in 23 seasons, earning 82 USA! USA!! USA!!! caps, retiring at 44 years of age, playing for five clubs, having started at 20 years of age. 310-43-23-82-44-5-20=93. Brilliant” – Steve Rice and 2^5 * 3 * 11 others.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is: Steve Rice.
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BITS AND BOBS
Arsène Wenger is likely to turn up at Camp Nou clutching a large suitcase and demanding three million big ones should Barcelona win the Champions League final next month. Arsenal are reportedly in line to receive the payment under the terms of the deal that took Thomas Vermaelen to Catalonia last year, despite the fact the defender hasn’t played a single minute for Barça due to assorted knack.
Meanwhile, Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain is set to miss the FA Cup final on 30 May due to continued hamstring-twang, and Arsenal have signed 11-year-old wonder-whelp Charlie Patino from Luton.
José Mourinho’s eyelash fluttering has failed to work on Koke. The Chelsea target has told AS he will stay at Atlético Madrid next season: “Yes, I will play here,” the midfielder said, adding absolutely nothing more to this story.
Newcastle have cancelled their end-of-season awards ceremony. “Newcastle United Football Club has made the very difficult decision that in view of the current league position, it would not be appropriate for the team and coaching staff to be celebrating the season and collecting awards at a time when our only focus is on the next two games and securing Premier League status,” wittered a club statement.
Broken football department: four River Plate players have been treated in hospital after they were sprayed with what appeared to be tear gas by Boca Juniors fans in their abandoned Copa Libertadores derby.
Nice coach Claude Puel and some of his players were attacked by around 70 supporters at the club’s training ground yesterday in the wake of Sunday’s 5-0 loss to Saint-Étienne.
And a third man has been arrested after a death threat letter was sent to Darren Kelly, the new manager of Oldham.
STILL WANT MORE?
$tevie Mbe’s Anfield farewell + the biggest Old Farm derby yet + the Ligue 1 title race + seven other things = what we’re looking forward to this weekend.
Wenger v Ferguson + Bellamy v Terry + Evra v Thuram + Keane v McCarthy + Collins v Eubank + Neill v A Player = the Joy of Six: sporting insults.
Twenty-three Premier League seasons + 179 English managers = not a single title. Richard Williams has more.
Neymar ≠ Lionel Messi or Pelé. But he’s the world’s greatest sub-genius footballer, writes Barney Ronay.
John Carver + a last-minute free-kick + a double throw-in = this week’s You are the Ref.
AC Jimbo + Barry Glendenning + Iain Macintosh + James Horncastle = Football Weekly Live in Manchester on Wednesday 3 June. Tickets – unbelievably – are still available, so get yours here.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.
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BROKEN
