SIGH
As The Fiver awoke cold and alone from a horrible dream in which $exually Repressed Morris Dancing Fiver and Union Jack Wilshere were dancing around a maypole like two giddy sprites as some bloke with disarming hair and a dangerous mind tossed the British economy aboard the good ship Do One before setting it alight, we thought the only cheery thing to do today would be to focus on matters in France. You see, Euro 2016 has reached the last 16, a round that never used to exist and feels like it’s just visiting from Big Cup. And despite cretinous doom-mongers – which certainly included The Fiver – predicting the new format would throw up a set of ties ropier than those at the bottom of a C&A bargain bucket, this weekend’s line-up actually looks OK.
On Saturday, Wales take on Norn Iron 1-0 in an all-UK fixture that will go down well with Nigel Farage but doesn’t appear to have got Gareth Bale all hot and bothered. He’s still doing a b@nter about England. “It is a moral victory for us … it’s always nice to get one over on the English,” flapped his gums on repeat, as Kyle Lafferty jumped up and down waving his hands about in the background. “You come to the tournament for one reason: to win. Not to play three games and go home. The ultimate goal is we want to try and win the tournament.” Meanwhile, Smash Hit Will Grigg won’t be rumbled just yet. He’ll keep his status intact as a striker who is toastier than peak Gerd Müller as he starts on the bench again. Phew!
Before that the Swiss, wearing a rice paper kit held together by overcooked angel-hair pasta, face Poland in a tie that has been overshadowed by criticism from their hacks that Xherdan Shaqiri is too big-boned to be any good. His team-mate Philipp Wollscheid did your man no favours by moving quicker that the Stoke winger has all tournament to defend him. “There has been criticism he is overweight. I can confirm he is not. It is a complete exaggeration,” he growled. “He has always been one who has a strong and muscular physique.”
Another player who’ll get the chance to show off his bulging bits on Saturday evening is Po’ Him. Having reacted well to criticism of His wayward shooting by lobbing a reporter’s microphone into a lake, throwing all His remaining toys out of His pram and then scuffing a couple of goals past a Hungarian pensioner, He now has the chance to make the continent agree on one thing at least, that He should never again be questioned for being a bit bobbins. If He drags a Portugal team sporting four scarecrows in defence past tournament eye-candy Croatia, The Fiver thinks he may well succeed.
Then on Sunday, Republic O’Ireland take on hosts France in a match that is being billed as a revenge gig for Thierry Henry’s handball and subsequent goal seven years ago that prevented O’Ireland from making a show of themselves in the 2010 World Cup. But their manager, Nerdish Genius Woody Allen, won’t be using a sense of injustice to motivate his players. No, he’s too busy trying to guilt-trip France into rolling over, the crafty sod. “It was a serious breach, it might be a jocular thing now, but it wasn’t at the time,” he huffed. “Why shouldn’t they feel guilty about it? I think it is a bigger deal in France than it is for us.” There’s so much going on this weekend that The Fiver can barely keep up. Hungary v Belgium pits a surprise package against a talented side so flaky you could stick them in an ice cream and call them a 99. And Germany v Slovakia? Well, not everything in Europe is perfect. But still …
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“Now [we] are not in Europe what’s going to happen with the next euros 2018???” – maybe Jermaine Pennant is a master of satire – or probably not – but either way this was a zinger.
RECOMMENDED LOOKING
David Squires with a review of the Euro 2016 group stages. You’ll need it.
FIVER LETTERS
“Sterling crashing? Where football leads, economics follow” – Darren Leathley.
“I’ve been looking forward to ITV’s new show, Him. It was billed as a ‘three-part horror drama’ about a ‘17-year-old boy (known only in the drama as Him) who is caught in the limbo between childhood and adulthood’, who ‘like most boys finds it hard to process his feelings so tends to act out’ and is ‘engaged in a primal struggle to contain the terrifying secret of a supernatural power’. I’ve seen all three episodes over the last fortnight and it certainly didn’t disappoint, Wednesday night’s series finale being a particular belter as He finally figured out how to unleash His powers. Apparently it went down well enough for a one-off special to be commissioned for Saturday night, but I suspect that’s just flogging a dead horse” – Ed Herman.
“I can’t believe that nobody commented on how scary a happy Roy Keane looked after O’Ireland’s victory over Italy. I had to hide behind the couch until it was all over. I like O’Ireland, but I certainly don’t want them to win if I have to see that again” – Ian Crossan.
“Gudjartur Jonsson suggests that there will be 60 million English football fans furious if/when England lose to Iceland (yesterday’s Quote of the Day). As there are just 53 million people who live in England, the kindly whale tour operator must be mistakenly including the residents of Wales, Scotland and Norn Iron 1-0 into the mix. Might I suggest the latter three might have a reaction not at all like fury and more like the sounds of laughing dolphins?” – Hubert O’Hearn.
“Let me be one of your Icelandic pedants to point out that The Fiver’s slightly odd Icelandic cousin (yesterday’s Fiver) should be called: Þór Bjarni Björk Ooh! Volcanosson Fimma. Fimmer doesn’t sound Icelandic at all, and Tor is what Weird Uncle Fiver uses to surf the dark web” – Kári Tulinius.
“Could I suggest Niko Kranjcar (yesterday’s Bits and Bobs) henceforth be referred to as Newc O’Kranjcar in light of his new employers?” – Matt Couldridge.
“While I agree with the sentiment of your reference to Bild’s front page (yesterday’s Bits and Bobs), I don’t think The Fiver is in any position to call anyone’s attempts at humour as ‘particularly unappetising and out-of-date’” – Ed Taylor.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Ed Herman.
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BITS AND BOBS
Having gone back to feeder club Southampton to sign Victor Wanyama for £11m, Spurs have now had a €14m (£85bn) bid for AZ striker Vincent Janssen rejected.
Liverpool want a few more red cards in them next season and are willing to part with £30m for Saints’ expected suspensions poster boy Sadio Mané.
Graziano Pellè (still at St Mary’s the last we looked) reckons Italy’s best chance of beating Spain is by getting in their boats. “We are a really proud country and when it is time to compete, we are always ready to put our face in front of the opponent,” he roared.
Guus Hiddink has never been averse to parachuting back into a shambles and he’s got his eye on a landing spot in Russia. “If I can make a contribution, I’ll be happy to do so,” he cheered. “Sport can help them, although it is perhaps my idealistic thinking, to project a better image out to the world.”
Jamie Vardy has scrunched his face up and said “nah” in the general direction of Arsène Wenger and agreed a new contract with Leicester. He’s also got The Man at the FA in a raging funk too. Impressive work all round really.
Days after Chesterfield handed a contract to Ched Evans, club sponsor HTM Products have pulled their deal “in light of recent events”.
And the Premier League, in its usual humble way, has reassured its many concerned consumers that it will continue to be a money-powered bulldozer in the footballing landscape, post-Brexit. “The Premier League is a hugely successful sporting competition that has strong domestic and global appeal. This will continue to be the case regardless of the referendum result,” tubthumped a statement.
VOTE! VOTE! VOTE!
Your chance to take part and decide who is going to advance to the Euro 2016 quarter-finals. And it shouldn’t destroy the lives of future generations in the process, which is probably a win.
STILL WANT MORE?
Tricky, tireless, tidy … but what exactly is the point of Adam Lallana, asks Gregg Bakowski.
Barney Ronay laments the lost art of dribbling or ‘feinting and jiving and freestyling, letting it all go like a gold-shirted hippie at Woodstock’.
The Welsh Xavi? The Welsh Pirlo? It’s about time Joe Allen had his name up in lights, writes Stuart James.
Iceland’s bubble does not look like bursting easily and if England are their latest victims, Sammy Lee will be to blame, reports Andy Hunter.
But Mr Roy claims he has no intention of underestimating Iceland, having opted against watching their win over Austria in favour of a boat-trip down the Seine with Ray Lewington. Hmm …
Keep the faith? Back the diamond? Does anyone know the launch codes for Ross Barkley? Big Paper’s Euro 2016 team pick their England XIs to face Iceland.
No Ivan Rakitic … no Andrés Iniesta! Marcus Christenson dons his tin hat and selects the best XI of Euro 2016, with a little help from science.
And will anyone take Switzerland into the quarter-finals? David Hytner reckons Xhaka can …
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.AND INSTACHAT TOO!
