Name: Zombie government.
Age: How do you date the undead?
Appearance: Not great.
How can you liken a government to a pallid, directionless horde of soulless beings laying waste to humanity and its environment as they stagger bewilderedly – oh, wait. Yes, I see. Actually, it's Labour's description of the government's lack of energy and its willingness to coast through its last term before the next general election.
Well, sure, that too. But no one's going to call them zombies any more.
Why not? Don't tell me someone's split the skulls of the entire lot? Who was it? Rick from The Walking Dead? About time he did something useful. Been hanging round like a spare part since season two. No, it was the Queen.
That's brilliant. She's been hanging round like a spare part even longer than Rick. What did she use? Axe? Shotgun? One of Camilla's ball-peen hammers? No – her annual speech to parliament announcing the laws the government hopes to pass in its next session.
Oh, you really got my hopes up. So, what have the undynamic duo Cameron and Clegg got planned for us? Hold on to your hat!
Hat held. Changes to pension annuities!
The ones that were announced in the Budget? Yes.
Three months ago? In March? Yes. And alterations to the funding of workplace pensions.
Anything besides changes to bloody pensions? A new state-funded childcare subsidy replacing the existing employer-subsidised scheme.
Ah, does it benefit poorer households? No.
So nothing new there. What else? Reforms! To speed up infrastructure projects, including measures to allow fracking firms to run pipelines on private land without prior permission.
I'm still not overwhelmed by the novelty. Five pence charges for carrier bags in shops?
As announced at last year's Lib Dem conference? Do you see where I'm going with this? No. Also: "This Queen's speech is unashamedly pro-work, pro-business and pro-aspiration." Cameron said so.
As opposed to all those other speeches that are anti-work, anti-business and pro-groping about in gutters? Gosh, yes, that is new. You see? All is well. All is well.
Do say: "God save the Queen."
Don't say: "God save us all."
