On Wednesday, a photo surfaced of presidential candidate Marco Rubio hot-stepping in some very flashy footwear. His black leather “Beatle boots” with high Cuban heels earned him a hearty round of public mockery, from his rivals in the race for the Republican presidential nomination and political pundits alike.
“They’re straight out of an Austin Powers movie,” said MSNBC’s Joe Scarborough, laughing if not guffawing. “They’re shagalicious!”
And that’s the problem. It’s a matter of juxtaposition: these boots are just too sexy for Marco Rubio’s wholesome, God-fearing image.
Marco Rubio has made the critical political mistake of not dressing like a complete schlub https://t.co/3we7TakL0x pic.twitter.com/LieiEfriGM
— Scott Bixby (@scottbix) January 6, 2016
As the image of him in fuck-me pumps circulated, the Rubio campaign also released a remarkably pious television ad in an effort to woo Iowa’s more religious voters. “The purpose of our life is to cooperate with God’s plan,” says Rubio, wearing flats.
“To those who much has been given, much is expected. And we will be asked to account for that. Were your treasures stored upon earth or in heaven?”
Compare those righteous words to the history of the Cuban heel – a history teeming with devilish fornication. These boots were not made for walking, they were made for sliding, grooving, strutting. They were made, really, for dancing. And as anyone who saw Footloose knows, God does not like dancing. Because dancing leads to premarital S-E-X.
Just look at the previous wearers of the style below.
The Beatles
Rubio’s boots are the very essence of rock’n’roll. As legend has it, they were invented by none other than the Beatles, who commissioned four pairs of common Chelsea boots with the addition of the higher Cuban heel from the London shoemaker Anello & Davide to match the suits they’d taken to wearing upon their return to England from Germany in 1963.
The Rolling Stones
Like all things Beatle, Cuban-heeled boots swept the mid-60s like a wildfire. Soon every rock band breaking in their wake was wearing the style – including their friends and rivals, the Rolling Stones. A few years later the Stones would be involved in the notorious “Redlands bust”, when they were arrested for drug possession at guitarist Keith Richards’s house, with Marianne Faithfull – girlfriend of singer Mick Jagger at the time – infamously wearing nothing but a fur rug. (Let’s try to see Rubio pull that look off in cold and windy New Hampshire!)
John Travolta
The opening scene of John Badham’s 1977 movie Saturday Night Fever is perhaps the Cuban heel’s most famous moment. The very first thing we see is John Travolta as Tony Manero, checking his own newly shined boots against a pair he spots in a store window, as he carries a bucket of paint through the gritty streets of Bay Ridge, Brooklyn. Then he gets two slices of pizza, folds them together as one portable meal, and struts his way into disco history. Remember: at home, as the movie depicts the drama of a devoutly religious Italian family, Tony’s the bad boy, the ne’er-do-well; his brother Frank, the favored son, is a priest.
Tony Montana
The 1980s brought us another Cuban-heeled antihero, this one from Rubio’s hometown of Miami. It was Al Pacino playing the role this time, in Brian DePalma’s Scarface: the murderous drug kingpin Tony Montana.
In light of Pacino’s harrowing intensity, Rubio looks more the Tony Montana action figure.
Sam Rockwell
If you want to know how you’re really supposed to rock these boots, look no further than the wonderful scene that “McG” (remember him?!) directed in the thoroughly enjoyable Charlie’s Angels.
Millionaire tech developer Eric Knox, played by the always-great Sam Rockwell, twitches to the boom-bap beat of Pharoahe Monch’s Simon Says, adjusting his red shades, smoking heavily, and sliding a gorgeous pair of Cuban heels across his own personal dance floor.
He’s got the moves, baby! Up to this point in the movie, we thought that Knox was a good guy, the Angels were enlisted to save him from kidnappers, but here we learn that he’s in cahoots with the kidnappers! He’s a baddie – and a superbad one at that!
What I’m saying is this: Cuban heels are not going to work for Rubio. It’s either Mod Squad or God squad. Can’t have it both ways.
