A FLORIAN JOZEFZOON-INSPIRED DARKPLACE
The Fiver will never forget the moment we realised our love of football had become an addiction. It was when Granny Fiver asked where the spiralizer was and we instinctively replied, “CAN’T YOU FIND IT YOURSELF YOU EFFING BANSHEE, WE’RE TRYING TO WATCH FH HAFNARFJARDAR V HAVERFORDWEST COUNTY IN THE UEFA VASE FIRST QUALIFYING ROUND!”
Ever since we recognised our addiction, The Fiver has dreaded those horrible oceans of time when there is no actual football to watch; those endless fortnights when the cravings kick in and we have nothing to distract us from the pitiful excuse for gender-fluidity that we have become. We know we are truly in a dark place when even the sight of Jim White’s euphoric coupon – or speculation that Tom Ince is wanted by Stoke in a deal that could include add-ons should Stoke be promoted – cannot stop the chills and shakes.
It’s been a tough week for The Fiver, with little to divert us since last Sunday’s Ethics World Cup final signalled the end of our summer holiday on the sofa. Today is a particularly hard day. Sure, Liverpool paid a world-record fee for a goalkeeper to sign Brazil’s Alisson from Roma, but that was last night so it doesn’t really count. Yes, Derby signed Brentford winger Florian Jozefzoon for an undisclosFORHEAVENSSAKEISTHISWHATITSCOMETOed fee.
Look, nothing is happening. Just the tremors and the numbing realisation that we need one more fix, one fresh clip of some rotund chancer from the Romanian fourth division wheezing after his own first touch.
All told, this is shaping up to be the most boring day in football since Opta began recording dull days in 2002. It even looked like the Sky Sports Breaking News ticker would be given the day off for the first time since 2006 – until BRIGHTON SIGNED SOUTH AFRICA STRIKER PERCY TAU FROM MAMELODI SUNDOWNS ON A FOUR-YEAR DEAL. We can’t wait for the next series of Newsflash: Stories that Stopped the World, featuring JFK, the Lockerbie bombing, Princess Diana and Percy Tau.
There’s only one thing for it: we need to find a stream for Manchester City v Borussia Dortmund in the International Champions Cup at 2.05am on Saturday. Until then, we’re going to revisit our DVD of that Big Vase qualifier, to determine once and for all whether FH Hafnarfjardar were playing a 4-3-3 or a 4-2-3-1.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“The only thing you’ll need to bring to Croatia is a good mood and your camera because we are confident that this charming and well-liked man will not be able to resist the numerous Croatian natural, cultural and historical beauties” – the Croatian tourist board in no way try to drum up a bit of publicity by offering the Mexican photographer who was squashed by giddy Croatia players a free seven-day jaunt. Yuri Cortez accepted, of course.
RECOMMENDED LOOKING
It’s our shiny transfer window interactive.
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FIVER LETTERS
“Even if he does have to Salah that ship alone he’ll only need a little time, I mean, I know he cried himself off the field in the championship final but the World Cup proved old red eyes is back, I think it’s safe for Liverpool fans to dream a little dream and think ‘this will be our year’, they’ll be as good as gold. He’ll be banging in the goals in a way that has people asking ‘have you ever been away?’. But maybe change his shirt number. He’d be a perfect 10 (sorry, that ship has sailed – Fiver Ed)” – Sam Carpenter.
“Bit surprised Alisson isn’t a striker. His aim is true” – Martin Leaver (and 1,056 other Elvis Costello fans).
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Rollover.
BITS AND BOBS
Aston Villa will have no trouble paying their bills in the future after confirming that they have received some “significant investment” from a couple of billionaires.
Macclesfield Town, back in the Football League, are having it large with their new shirt sponsor. Zaki Artist Management are “a fresh and dynamic booking agency based in Ibiza … with over 12 years island experience-owner/founder Simon Zaki is a famous face to Ibiza’s club scene”.
Remember Russia 2018? Russian hotels, restaurants and transport companies certainly do, as it was revealed by Sberbank that overseas fans spent €1.3bn during Ethics 2018, including a mighty €244m on fast food.
Nasty Leeds boss Marcelo Bielsa was spotted by fans heading into a McDonalds after the Mighty Whites’ 1-1 draw with York on Thursday.
Manchester City legend Paul Dickov threw the ceremonial first pitch before the Chicago Cubs took on the St. Louis Cardinals at Wrigley Field as part of City’s US tour. Kevin Horlock and Nicky Weaver were presumably unavailable.
Neymar will be staying at PSG and not going to Real Madrid. “I will stay in Paris,” he roared. “I have a contract with PSG. The speculation? The majority of it is invented by the press.”
And Gary Neville and his Class of ’92 mates at Salford City FC have been accused of attempting to “steal” a place in the EFL by Accrington Stanley owner Andy Holt. “We don’t run our club right!” barked back G Nev on Twitter. “Only poor little Accrington do!! We put a lot of money in and aren’t embarrassed about it.”
STILL WANT MORE?
Alisson had to recover from tough old start at Roma to become the world’s most expensive goalkeeper, writes Paolo Bandini.
Rob Smyth discusses how Roy Keane’s career could have been oh so very different if Blackburn had not haggled over £100,000.
Kylian Mbappé to Liverpool? Fabinho is going to make it happen (possibly).
Jamie Jackson explains the draw of meaningless friendlies for the masses.
And warm your c0ckles by reading this lovely story about how pipping Lionel Messi to the Puskas Award saved Wendell Lira’s life. As told by Thiago Rabelo.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
