Name: Despacito.
Age: Six months old.
Status: The most streamed song of all time.
I’ve never heard this song. You are in the minority. Despacito has been No 1 in the UK and Australia for nine weeks, and No 1 in the US for 10 weeks.
But I’ve been abroad. Well, it’s also been No 1 in Argentina, Austria, Belgium, Bulgaria, Canada, Chile, Colombia, Croatia, Czech Republic, Denmark, Ecuador, Finland, Germany, Greece, Guatemala, Hungary, India, Ireland, Italy, Lebanon, Luxembourg, Malaysia, Mexico, the Netherlands, New Zealand, Norway, Panama, Paraguay, Peru, Portugal, the Philippines, Russia, Slovakia, Slovenia, Spain, Sweden, Switzerland, Thailand, Uruguay and Venezuela.
But I don’t pay attention to the charts. It has been played 4.6bn times across all streaming services.
But I don’t use streaming services. Its videos have been viewed more than 3bn times on YouTube alone.
But I am an elitist snob who hates all popular things. Right! OK! Why didn’t you just say that?
Tell me more about the song. It’s a Reggaeton-pop number performed by a 39-year-old Puerto Rican man called Luis Fonsi, aided by a 40-year-old Puerto Rican rapper called Daddy Yankee. But the song’s international success is down to a remix featuring Justin Bieber.
And what does “Despacito” mean? It means “Slowly” and concerns Fonsi and Yankee’s favoured seduction style.
TMI, as the kids say. But that’s the thing: the kids can’t get enough of it. This song is even more popular than Ed Sheeran, for crying out loud, and Ed Sheeran is so popular he got to stare aimlessly into the middle distance on the most recent episode of Game of Thrones.
But couldn’t you say that this is a false record, since new subscribers are increasing the market base of streaming services every day? Look, it’s a nice, fun, summery song that lots of people heard on holiday. Isn’t that enough?
I miss real music. You mean summer songs from years gone by?
Exactly. So, Agadoo and Mambo No 5, then?
Stop deliberately trying to provoke me. Why do you hate fun so much?
My primary hobby is writing comments on the internet. I knew it.
Do say: “The way you nibble on my ear / the only words I wanna hear / Baby take it slow so we can last long.”
Don’t say: “Oh go to sleep, Justin, your bedtime was hours ago.”
