NOT QUITE ‘MAN KICKS BALL’, BUT STILL
Nothing snaps The Fiver out of sun-induced stupor like a juicy bit of Twitter feed juxtaposition, so when Roy Keane cropped up on that of Manchester United’s, off came the handkerchief, knotted in all four corners, and on went the thinking cap. That’s the same Roy Keane who spilled the beans about a bit of biff on a pre-season tour of Asia back in The Good Old Days, pictured celebrating on United’s feed on today of all days. A day when the identity of the 25 brave souls to board the modern-day Mayflower and spread the Gospel according to Zlatan were revealed.
“I had a bust-up with Peter [Schmeichel] when we were on a pre-season tour of Asia, in 1998, just after I came back from my cruciate[-knack]. I think we were in Hong Kong. There was drink involved,” wrote Keane. So far, so normal. “The manager had a go at us as we were getting on the bus, and people were going on about a fight in the hotel the night before. It started coming back to me - the fight between me and Peter. In the meantime, Nicky Butt had been filling me in on what had happened the night before. Butty had refereed the fight. Anyway, Peter had grabbed me, I’d head-butted him – we’d been fighting for ages.”
An isolated incident for Roy, perhaps? Perhaps not if Gary Pallister is to be believed. “We just had a fallout on a pre-season tour,” Pallister deadpanned, speaking of a pre-season tour of 1997. “We ended up not speaking. It was weird. It wasn’t like we hated each other. We were just both stubborn enough not to say, ‘Here …’. We should have both put our hands out after that and got on with it.” Again, there was biff involved. “It was a good night,” continued Pally. “His watch fell on the floor. He was more concerned about that. It must have been a very expensive one. It was handbags. It kind of happened on a players’ night out. You hear things and things are said and I don’t think there were any connections with any punches.”
Now The Fiver knows better than to wear its aforementioned handkerchief without its rose-tinted glasses, but we can’t help but feel that pre-season tours are not what they used to be. The Fiver is not expecting to pick up Big Paper in the coming days and read about Paddy McNair planting one on Henrikh Mkhitaryan, Phil Jones bear-hugging Marcos Rojo, or Marcus Rashford getting a noogie after one too many sherbets. Instead, designed to spin money and determined to destroy souls, pre-season tours have adopted an altogether far too serious tone, Premier League teams selling themselves to the extent they are even willing to play friendlies against each other – a crime to be punished with a fate worse than death in Pally’s day.
Indeed, they even command column inches and have the temerity to deflect attention from the rest of the news. Also at Manchester United, for example, just over five years since Atlantis’ last voyage, The First Official Bid For Paul Pogba has been launched, while just across the Pennines, Bernard Cribbins – the straight man to Pally’s stooge – has been nattering with the FA while Big Sam is hamstrung by a strange tale of luxury Christmas hampers. Yet for all that, it is still the brave souls commanding attention … where did Wazza get his phrase book from? How many travellers cheques is Antonio Valencia taking with him? Has Juan Mata remembered the aftersun? For the sake of those poor sods required by profession/law to pay attention to any Premier League pre-season tours, The Fiver can only hope there will be drink involved.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I would give myself 10 out of 10. I don’t feel that I’m superior to others but, from the moment where I’ve given everything, I’m not going to attribute myself another mark” – Newcastle and humility’s Moussa Sissoko there, reflecting on his Euro 2016 shop window efforts.
FIVER LETTERS
“I too was beginning to think that the Taxpayers FC riff was growing a bit old, but then Andy Marriott (yesterday’s Fiver letters) came along to prove to me that there is still much hilarity to be enjoyed. Please continue!” – Andrew Hodkin (and others).
“Following on from yesterday’s letter about how unfair you were referring to Taxpayers FC as ‘Taxpayers FC’, please do continue to do so as I find it most amusing. Of course, I can understand why my fellow reader was distressed: had my club been handed a multi-billion-pound stadium and barely had to pay a penny for, well, anything, I’d be slightly embarrassed as well” – Stuart Morphet.
“Andy hit the nail on the head (yours) with his letter. You also forgot to mention Taxpayers FC 1 (Manchester City) in your out-of-date diatribe. They had a very similar deal as [Taxpayers FC]. Here is a small part of what happened at Taxpayers FC 1: The City of Manchester Stadium was paid for by taxpayers and lottery revenue. Specifically, the taxpayers of Greater Manchester. The stadium is owned by the City of Manchester Council, who agreed to lease the stadium to City from 2003, at favourable rates. ‘Nuff said. COYI” – Brian Butler.
“In full agreement with Andy. The joke’s worn rather thin by now and seems more like sour grapes than anything else. COYI” – Brian Jones.
“A suggestion from the USA! USA!! USA!!!, where taxpayers routinely pay for stadiums without being asked (the latest, residents of Cobb County, Georgia, who are giving the Atlanta Braves $400m for a new stadium replacing the ancient edifice Centennial Olympic Stadium, built – according to archeological data – in 1996). In 2008, after the US government poured billions into Citibank to stave off collapse, piqued New Yorkers suggested renaming Citi Field, the home of the NY Mets, Taxpayer Field, as Citi was paying the Mets $20m a season in naming rights. So, yes, refer to the team as ‘West Ham’, but acknowledge they play at ‘Taxpayer Stadium’” – Ian Jackman.
“Is Bongo Tax FC a compromise that Andy Marriott might learn to live with over time?” – Gareth Deeble.
“I can feel The Fiver’s pain when it receives an email clearly meant for someone else. This was obviously the case with Andy’s letter wherein he derided someone’s use of the term Taxpayers FC as it ‘does nothing to enhance your reputation as a wit of the highest order’. As I say, clearly meant for someone else. A previously unacknowledged cousin, perhaps, like Opposite-World-Bizarro-Up-Is-Down-High-Order-Wit-Backwards reviF?” – Scott Pratt (and others).
“Andy’s complaint that this ‘shows a lack of imagination and insistence on using the same gag over and over again until it raises not even an eyebrow’. Let’s not start pulling at that thread, shall we?” – Tony McShane.
“Andy should consider himself lucky. As a Bury fan, I’m thrilled if we even get mentioned on the illustrious pages of The Fiver. What us Shakers wouldn’t give for an unfunny nickname” – Tom Dowler.
“I’m enjoying Taxpayers FC’s lack of success in signing big names – Batshuayi, Lacazette, Benteke et al. It’s like they switched off the ‘realistic transfers’ filter on Football Manager. Gollivan will keep cracking on until they get disheartened, restore the filter, and sign Will Grigg” – Craig Fawcett.
“Loath as I am to ask John Stainton (yesterday’s letters) to revisit his well of woe, I can’t help but ask for clarification. Did his love rival drink a glass of full-fat Fanta along with his bowl of Coco Pops, or did the fiend actually drench the Coco Pops in the Fanta, in place of the more traditional milk? And if so, what colour did the Coco Pops turn it?” – David Hopkins.
“As per John’s tale of lost love and fizzy pop, I used to work with a chap who would start each workday with a can of Pepsi Max and yoghurt-coated flapjack for breakfast. And I do mean every day, for about four months. You could always tell when he had been out the night before, the Pepsi Max became a can of full-sugar red label Coke” – Stuart Cooper.
“I’m the hack who wrote that NME football spread in 1979, so thanks to Roger Mart (yesterday’s letters) for providing the link. As you can see, I’m the guy who taught Nick Hornby everything he knows, so I apologise for that” – Monty Smith.
“May I be the first of the inevitable 40-something music-loving pedants to point out the error of describing Echo & the Bunnymen as ‘New Romantic’ Scousers (yesterday’s Fiver)? Just because they produced music in the early 80s doesn’t mean they can be put in the same category as Spandau Ballet and Duran Duran. The equivalent would be calling Radiohead a ‘boy band’ because they released music in the same period as Westlife. The notoriously voluble (and irascible) Ian McCulloch would soon have put you right on that score (probably in an extremely ‘colourful’ manner)” – Emma Freake.
“Succinctly reviewing The Fiver (yesterday’s letters)? ‘Keep the change!’” – Budgie Wright.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our letter o’the day is … David Hopkins, who receives a copy of The Unbelievables, by David Bevan. We’ve got more to give away all week, so get typing.
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BITS AND BOBS
Mark Hughes says Stoke City have cash to splash on West Brom’s Saido Berahino. “He’s a player at another club so I don’t really want to comment too much,” sniffed Hughes, before commenting on a player at another club. “It’s fair to say we’ve put bids in that, as we stand, haven’t been accepted yet but we’re still hopeful.”
Wales manager Chris Coleman has apparently been rewarded for his Euro 2016 efforts with the freedom of Swansea. “Freedom of the city is the highest honour the people of Swansea can confer on one of its own,” roared lord mayor David Hopkins.
Bolton have said yes to a £2m offer from Arsenal for defender Rob Holding.
Norn Iron 1-0 goalkeeper Michael McGovern will now have “Norwich City” in brackets after his name in squad lists, after moving to Carrow Road.
Chile’s footballers have voted to go on strike, forcing the start of the league season to be postponed. “The professional players unanimously decided to follow the call to stop the national championship,” fumed players’ union, Sifup.
And the Queen’s Celtic are pumped for their Big Cup qualifying second-leg showdown at home to Lincoln Red Imps. “Thankfully, I understand the [Queen’s] Celtic supporters, they understand the game, they know football and patience is something they have been accustomed to,” purred Brendan Rodgers, who oversaw a 1-0 defeat in Gibraltar. “You can be an attacking team but there are times when the ball can’t go forward, it has to be circulated.”
STILL WANT MORE?
It’s the final ever edition of The Gallery. Fare thee well.
José Mourinho has only been here five minutes, but Jamie Jackson assesses his impact so far.
West Ham’s Aaron Cresswell tells Nick Ames that Big Sam would be a good fit as England manager as he “works on your weaknesses every day” .
David Squires proved once again he is pretty handy with his fingers during our live webchat. Read his thoughts on everything from Janet to Diego Costa.
Can you name the player from their transfer history in our shiny quiz? Of course you can.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. AND INSTACHAT TOO!
