Next year's Safe House has all the hallmarks of a brilliant movie. It was shot in South Africa, presumably for the scenery and not because it's much cheaper to film there than the US. It's being released in February, presumably because that's right before the Oscars and not because the film isn't very good and its studio wants to sneak it out when there isn't any competition. But best of all, Safe House stars Denzel Washington and Ryan Reynolds.
This has led to some confusion. Whose film is it? Does Safe House belong to authoritative Oscar-winner Denzel Washington or hot young thing of the moment Ryan Reynolds? There's only one way to find out – by trawling through the Safe House trailer for clues ...
1) The Safe House trailer opens with a scene where Denzel Washington snaps the neck of a CIA operative. Turns out that he used to be one of them, but he's gone rogue. It's basically The Bourne Identity, but with Denzel Washington in it. This undoubtedly makes him the star.
2) But wait! Ryan Reynolds has a trick up his sleeve. He knows why people watch his films – it's because he usually takes his top off in them. So, by getting this out of the way so early in the Safe House trailer, he's stolen himself a quick win. In fact, the only thing better than this would be …
3) He has! He's pulled off the tricky "Ryan Reynolds is topless because he's going to work, leaving a woman in skimpy underwear in bed behind him" sequence! This isn't necessarily a surprise – almost every Ryan Reynolds trailer in living memory contains this sequence – but it's proof that Reynolds won't let Washington steal this film from him without a fight.
4) Reynolds, however, didn't count on one thing: the enigmatic Denzel Washington smile. This is Washington's stock in trade, and Reynolds hasn't got anything in his armoury – not even his nipples – as effective as this. Or has he?
5) Perhaps he has. After all, in this scene of Denzel Washington being captured by the CIA and waterboarded, Ryan Reynolds pulls his best Huffington Post face and mutters "Is this legal?"
6)You see, he's still the liberal Hollywood dreamboat of your heart. Your move, Washington.
7) Oh, a cheap shot. Washington's doing the same enigmatic smile as before, but this time he's showing teeth. Surely the game is up at this point. Ryan Reynolds doesn't have a smile a 10th as luminous as this. He may as well just go home now.
8) But Ryan Reynolds won't submit that easily. During a car chase scene, he remembers that he just did a photoshoot for Marks & Spencer. Perhaps by pulling the exact same facial expression as he did in those adverts – the one that looks like he's making a concentrated effort to hold in an infuriatingly persistent fart – Reynolds will be able to scrape a last-minute victory.
9) Then, Ryan Reynolds decides to kick it out of Denzel's reach for good by walking down the street in a suit in slow motion. This is the kind of sequence only afforded to real movie heroes. It's unbeatable, in fact. Safe House is Ryan Reynolds's film. Denzel Washington has been condemned to supporting player status forever. It's over.
10) "No, wait!" Denzel Washington cries as he learns of his imminent defeat. "I can change! I can cut my hair! Look! Nice and short, just like Ryan's! Please let me still be the star of this! I need this!" But it's too late. Walking down the street in a suit in slow motion has secured Ryan's victory for good. Denzel Washington has to accept his defeat.
11) So he pulls a gun on Ryan Reynolds and probably shoots him in the head. Advantage Washington. Advantage always Washington.
