Something needs to be done about incompetent referees. Seriously, a rebuke from some bureaucrat is nowhere near severe enough for an infuriating official such as Markus Merk, who today deformed a potentially beautiful Group D clash between Ghana and USA. But of course, Merk won't even be rebuked: his pernickety, at times perverse performance will in fact be praised by Fifa blazers. Which is outrageous because if the German dentist took the same approach to his first trade as he does to his refereeing, then his hometown would be teeming with gummy youths who had their teeth wrenched out during dinner for getting food on them.
Merk, who drew the ire of Australian players in his previous match at this tournament by allegedly jeering them over their defeat to Brazil, today booked Michael Essien in the first few minutes for a tackle that was about as dangerous as Bob the Builder. Moments later, he cautioned Eddie Lewis for not spontaneously amputating his hand, which was the only way he could have prevented the ball making contact with it after it was smashed straight at him. Two minutes into time added on for fussiness, Merk awarded Ghana a penalty after Oguchi Onyewu refused to step aside to allow Razak Pimpong to control the ball and score. It was an absurd decision, one that could only have been made by a referee whose vision is warped by a determination to be centre-stage.
The upshot was the players became nervous and uncertain, knowing that at any moment they could be penalised for running too fast or kicking the ball with excessive force. John Pantsil dared to try something special in the 58th minute, but instead of admiring the defender's acrobatic overhead kick, Merk punished him for raising his feet too high.
Watching a match with Merk in charge - or, for that matter, one run by equally annoying Englishman Graham Poll - is like going to the cinema and finding yourself sat behind a gigantic fool who spends the film guffawing inappropriately and farting most pungently. But at least the theatre-owners don't invite that offender back and pay for him to have the most prominent seat in the house. Fifa, on the other hand, are no doubt planning to unleash Merk and Poll several more times throughout this World Cup, possibly even in the final.
So what can be done? I was going to propose hacking into Fifa's website and scrawling a new law into the game's statutes whereby a ref has to remove an item of clothing each time he blows his whistle in a match. That might make them think twice before intervening. Then I thought twice, and suddenly wasn't so convinced that these attention-seekers would construe that as a deterrent. Anyone got any brighter ideas?
