Name: Deflategate.
Age: Almost a week old.
Appearance: Soft and squishy.
You’re going to have to help me out here. OK. Remember Nipplegate from 2004? When Janet Jackson’s wardrobe malfunction led to the frothing indignation of a million outraged regulators? Well, that was a Super Bowl controversy about boobs. Deflategate is a Super Bowl controversy about balls.
So what’s the story? Power, corruption – and air pressure. Specifically: did the New England Patriots, during a big NFL game last week, deflate their footballs to below the minimum requirement, in order to enable their quarterback to throw more touchdowns. Basically: did they cheat?
Well, did they? We don’t know, your honour. The NFL, which isn’t usually slow to judgment on issues of morality, has remained uncharacteristically silent, although sources say an as-yet-unreleased investigation found that 11 of the 12 balls were deflated. The Patriots head coach, Bill Belichick, insists he didn’t know about it. Tom Brady, the quarterback, is also pleading ignorance.
Ooh, Tom Brady. I’ve heard of him. Yeah, he’s got it all going on – the sporting prowess, the supermodel wife, the chiselled jaw, the propensity for temper tantrums. He’s simply all-American.
Give me more detail! Last weekend, in the AFC Championship game – kind of like the FA Cup semi-final, when the FA Cup was #relevant – the Patriots thrashed the Indianapolis Colts 45-7. They blew them out, as they say in the parlance. Brady, who threw for three touchdowns, played like a boss, as they also say. It was kind of a dud game, and the weather was filthy, and we all went home thinking that was the end of that. Not so.
So who did the alleged crime? No one knows. It’s all very murky. The balls must pass inspection by the referee, and there’s an accepted pressure the balls are obliged to maintain. (At least 12.5 pounds per square inch, and no more than 13.5psi. They remain resolutely un-metric in the US.) The ref is the sole judge of the the footballs, but the Patriots, as the home team, were responsible for having someone handle the balls on the touchline. However, unless the NFL can find that someone on the Patriots staff specifically ordered the balls be deflated, it’s probably going to be difficult to make it stick.
A bit like the Colts wide receivers, eh?! Wahay!!
But why do the teams supply their own footballs? Surely that should be the job of the match officials and the NFL? Well, they used to. But Brady and Peyton Manning were instrumental in getting the rules changed in 2006. They reasoned that since they work on so many plays during the week, and are used to the balls being just so, they should be allowed to bring their own on match day. The NFL agreed.
So what happens now? We keep talking about it! The Super Bowl’s only a week away, in Glendale, Arizona – the Patriots play the Seattle Seahawks – and it’s in precisely no one’s interest, least of all the NFL’s, to stop the chatter, regardless of how minor an issue it might seem. Football abhors a vacuum, and a week is a long time in sports. By Sunday, America might have started talking about something that matters.
Quite. How about punishments? Difficult to say. Roger Goodell, the league’s fabulously unpopular commissioner, generally rules with an iron rod, particularly when it comes to the league’s “personal conduct” code. He could order the game replayed, or strip the Patriots of future draft picks – but he probably won’t. If anything, a fine seems most likely.
How about precedents? Not really in the NFL. In college football, USC was fined $25,000 for deflating balls in 2012, and the coach got fired, but no one really expects Belichick to get the boot. Tough to find an analogue in soccer, too, although Wimbledon’s Crazy Gang used to put salt in the opposition’s half-time tea, and no one stripped them of any future draft picks.
When all’s said and done, though: did it really make a difference? There’s the rub. Some say yes – that the ball can be easier to grip, especially when it’s wet; others say that the Colts were so appalling, they could have played with a bar of soap and they’d still have lost. It’s difficult to argue that the Colts got humped because of the ball.
Perhaps Brady put it best at his press conference on Thursday: “Things are going to be fine – this isn’t Isis. No one’s dying.”
Don’t say: “I’m not squeezing the balls – that’s not part of my process.”
Definitely don’t say: “To me, those balls are perfect.”
