Howard Schultz, the former Starbucks boss, has been toying with a presidential run. He claims that he, as an independent white male billionaire, can solve America’s real problem: not enough centrism.
As his potential candidacy takes heat online – critics call him out of touch and Democrats fear he’ll hurt their cause – his team is advertising for a social media community manager.
Do you have what it takes to defend a man whose former company has become an international symbol of gentrification? Here’s a rundown of the skills the job requires:
‘Manage all incoming communications via social channels, monitoring throughout the day’
These incoming communications, for example, might include queries about Schultz’s self-proclaimed inability to see color. Responding to concerns in February over the arrest of two African American men at a Starbucks, he told listeners: “As somebody who grew up in a very diverse background as a young boy in the projects, I didn’t see color as a young boy and I honestly don’t see color now.”
As social media community manager, you’ll need to be ready with a hilarious gif when you are inundated with a flood of posts pointing out that racism is built into America’s cultural fabric. “When Schultz brags he doesn’t see race, he is saying that he doesn’t see me,” Jamil Smith wrote at Rolling Stone. Please attach witty retorts to your application.
‘Address important mentions in real time through engagement’
Important mentions might include that time when MSNBC’s Ali Velshi called your potential future boss a “rich guy” and Schultz appeared deeply confused. Velshi explained America’s division to Schultz: “It’s not because of the Democrats and Republicans,” Velshi said. “It’s about rich people who don’t pay taxes.” Though Schultz’s reaction involved a dead-eyed stare, the social media community manager would be expected to engage with Velshi, perhaps explaining that Schultz didn’t see taxes as a young boy and Starbucks honestly doesn’t want to see taxes now.
WATCH: @Alivelshi presses Howard Schultz on rich people talking about the concept of a “bifurcated America,” and they engage in a frank discussion about wealth distribution and inequality. pic.twitter.com/JHEXFK1qql
— MSNBC (@MSNBC) April 5, 2019
‘Adjust course as required by changing market conditions’
Schultz himself has had trouble with this one, as market conditions suggest that he is everyone’s least favorite candidate. Though he shows no sign of adjusting course, our social media community manager should be more dynamic. If, for example, someone calls your boss an “egotistical billionaire asshole” and raises legitimate concerns about him “getting ratioed on Twitter” – that is, getting more comments than likes or retweets – it’s time for you to consider focusing on coffee, not politics.
‘Develop strong relationships within the online community by knowing your audience’
Another area in which you’ll be making up for your boss’s failings: his audience fears he’ll be responsible for the re-election of Donald Trump, and polling suggests they have reason to worry. According to Politico, Democrats are more willing to back third parties than Republicans are; meanwhile, an Optimus poll finds a Schultz run would bolster the current president. But wait: Schultz says a “silent majority” wants a middle-of-the-road candidate. Where is this majority and why aren’t they tweeting? It’s your job to find out.
‘Stay abreast of new opportunities in the industry’
After a week in this job, you’re going to want them.
