DR WHO?
Renowned genetic engineer Dr Wenger was very busy in his lab during the late 1990s, a fecund period of creativity that saw him invent raw vegetables, pasta, steamed fish and water. He subsequently transferred his genius for innovation and thinking outside the box to the world of product development and, since 2000, has been working on designs for a coat that can be successfully zipped up in less than six-and-a-half hours. He’ll get there in the end, we’re sure of it.
But Dr Wenger retains a keen interest in the sciences, which may explain why he’s been kicking off quite a lot lately about doping in football. Dinamo Zagreb midfielder Arijan Ademi failed a drug test earlier this season after he and the rest of his team beat Arsenal in Big Cup, and with the two sides set to meet again on Tuesday at the Emirates, the good Doctor has taken the opportunity to once again raise the subject of the Uefa rule which saw the player suspended but the club unpunished. What a way to welcome your guests, and them having travelled more than a thousand miles to get here.
“I personally don’t agree with the rule,” said a frowning Dr W as he opened the front door, the welcome mat conspicuously wedged under one arm. “You cannot say: ‘OK, they had a doped player and the result stands.’ That means you basically accept doping.” Dinamo’s manager Zoran Mamic, having presumably realised the offer of a gin and tonic would not be forthcoming, responded in kind: “Wenger can think and talk about what he wants, but there are other people who make decisions about that. I can suggest him to write the rules for Uefa.” Which is, of course, a preposterous idea. Not least because who would be able to read them? The only people capable of deciphering a doctor’s handwriting are chemists. And you can’t trust a chemist in this climate.
LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“It’s a good opportunity to expand the game and broadcast Scottish football on a world stage. [The Queen’s] Celtic obviously has a massive fanbase and it would be fantastic to give some fans over there the chance to see us play and hopefully perform. There would be a bit of travel involved but we have a few international boys that are used to that” – Queen’s Celtic midfielder Tom Rogic gives his backing to the idea that red-hot live Scottish fitba could be coming to you lucky people in the USA! USA!! USA!!!
FIVER LETTERS
“I seem to recall in my early 1970s-black-and-white-TV-youth (no colour TV down under till 1975) that Leicester’s excellent Keith Weller was the first player to wear tights on the pitch when it got a bit nippy. Now we have Jamie Vardy using the cryotherapy chamber to get as cold as possible before he gets back on the pitch (yesterday’s Fiver). Football … bloody hell” – Stephen Hodgson.
“Living in Australia and having a wife and in-laws who are occasional Leicester fans who do not readily receive information from ‘home’, I thought I would advise them that this coming weekend’s top-of-the-table clash will indeed feature a certain unfashionable team, whose fortunes have not been great of late, but surprisingly find themselves in an unexpected position. It really needs to be said that Louis van Gaal should be applauded for what he has done at Old Trafford” – flamin’ Flavio L’Abbate.
“Sorry to dredge this up and drag it on far longer than is necessary (no one has ever levelled this accusation at The Fiver), but Liam McGuigan’s mention of primary school football laws (Fiver letters passim) reminded me of something from my own childhood. Playing on a congested playground and taking professional footballers as our role models, a huge amount of cheating took place, matched only by the angry protests for any decision. Eventually all disputes would be settled by the ‘penalty or goal’ rule, often invoked by the attacking team, in whose favour the rule is heavily weighted. While the unfairness is clear for all to see, I have long maintained that it would be far more effective than any form of video technology” – Ed Taylor.
“Re: yesterday’s Quote of the Day. Maths is not my strong point but this one is easy. Assuming the Brechin keeper Graeme Smith’s definition of ‘just less than one and a half hours is 1hr 25mins, and he covered the ‘just over 85 miles’ back to his home ground with 25 minutes to spare, his average speed was at least 85mph. By any standards that’s Brechin the speed limit” – John Myles.
“It’s a long commute home … the distance from Ochilview Park to Brechin City is 83.9 miles, via the A90. Assuming Graeme had 89 minutes (‘just under an hour and a half’) to get there and arrived 25 minutes before kick off – that leaves 64 minutes for travel: 83.9 miles in 64 minutes would mean an average speed of travel of 78.65mph” – James Haughey.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today’s winner of our letter o’the day is: Ed Taylor, who receives a copy of Football Manager 2016 courtesy of the very kind people at Football Manager Towers. We’ve got loads more copies to give away, so if you haven’t been lucky thus far, keep trying.
JOIN GUARDIAN SOULMATES
Chances are that if you’re reading this tea-timely football email, you’re almost certainly single. But fear not – if you’d like to find companionship or love, sign up here to view profiles of the kind of erudite, sociable and friendly folk who would never normally dream of going out with you. And don’t forget, it’s not the rejection that kills you, it’s the hope.
BITS AND BOBS
Flailing Real Madrid president Florentino Pérez has done what such head honchos do in times of discontent: hit out at fans and the media. “All this stuff people say in the media is just to destabilise us,” he mewled, before backing Rafa Benítez and delivering this zinger: “All our coaches have had autonomy.”
Bundesliga strugglers Stuttgart have sent coach Alexander Zorniger skittering down BenzStraße, appointing Jürgen Kramny in his stead. “It was particularly the way we lost on Saturday that concerned us,” sniffed club president Bernd Wahler after Augsburg gave them a 4-0 shoeing.
To say that Sam Allardyce is feeling bullish after Sunderland’s sneaky 1-0 win at Crystal Palace is an understatement. “Why should I be ashamed?” he roared. “If we have to be resilient, determined and dogged, that’s what we’ll do. The players have given me more confidence. They’ve got to be the saviours, not me.”
Wayne Rooney and Anthony Martial are back in training after their respective bouts of illness and foot-knack.
Fifa’s ethics committee wants Michel Platini banned for life, according to the Frenchman’s brief. “The overreaching of the request really convinces us of this commission’s total lack of credibility,” bleated Thibaud d’Alès.
And the plod is looking into Northampton Town’s affairs in the case of the missing £10m of local council loan.
STILL WANT MORE?
David Squires on … our new Leicester City overlords.
Jonathan Wilson went on holiday to Ethiopia and watched some Premier League football.
Barney Ronay on why Arsenal should embrace Big Vase, if and when it comes to it.
Goals of the week, goals of the week, goals of the week. It’s the remix! Goals of the, uh, uh, uh, uh … week.
Bundesliga goals and fights v terror. By Rafa Honigstein.
This week’s edition of The Gallery stars Leicester’s Danny Drinkwater, with a disappointing lack of Danny Drinkwater drinking water. Anyway, next up: send us your Xherdan Shaqiris.
Quiz! Quiz! Quiz! Identify the clubs that unite the groups of players.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.
SIGN UP TO THE FIVER
Want your very own copy of our free tea-timely(ish) email sent direct to your inbox? Has your regular copy stopped arriving? Click here to sign up.
