DUSTING OFF THE OLD ‘CITY SLIPPERS’ HEADLINE
In 1990 a bunch of misers in severe-looking suits sat around a table pondering how best to rebrand England’s most entertaining activity and sell it at a huge profit. As far as they could tell the nation was not properly utilising its greatest source of gratification for the sofa-bound masses. With moral compasses sent whizzing off course by the magnetic quality of astronomical stacks of pound coins, important decisions were made, TV executives were brought onside and late one night Jeremy Beadle’s telephone rang. “Yes, I’ll do it,” said the Richard Scudamore of People Falling Over to Comedy Sound Effects. You’ve Been Framed was born. It has been making millions ever since. Yes, millions and millions of pounds from capturing on camera the thrilling failure of people being able to stay upright. Slip, Crash, Guffaw! Kerching! Slip, Crash, Guffaw, Kerching! Watching people landing on their tails was a lucrative business. You can see where this is going can’t you?
Well, anyway, a year or two later another bunch of misers in severe-looking suits sat around a table pondering how best to rebrand England’s second-most entertaining activity. They did this pretty successfully too. People loved watching Slip, Crash, Guffaw! football. And England did it better than most. So well in fact that people all around the globe loved watching it too. On Saturdays and Sundays (and Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays and soon-to-be Fridays) the world readjusted satellite dishes and people packed into stadiums to see Slip, Crash, Guffaw! football played at such a pace that many considered it to be the best football there was – the best because it is chock-full of hubris. Yes, just like You’ve Been Framed. It also made millions and millions. And then billions and billions.
There were more skilful proponents of normal football, of course, but entertainment doesn’t have to be high-quality to be bring in huge viewing figures. No, just ask ITV. In fact, English football’s most successful period in recent Big Cup excursions in the mid-noughties culminated in a nadir for Slip, Crash, Guffaw! football. Blame Rafa Benítez and José Mourinho for that “sh!t on a stick” nonsense. So The Fiver was heartened by Manchester City’s efforts at the Camp Nou last night, when their players used one of the most high-profile TV occasions to showcase a stunning display of Slip, Crash, Guffaw! football in which half of their team chose to play on their tails, instead of their feet. Lionel Messi duly sentenced them to death by a thousand nutmegs and English football’s last remaining team was sent tumbling out of Big Cup at the earliest possible knockout stage. Impressive.
And after Liverpool, Arsenal and Chelsea also took early leave from Big Cup there has been concern today about where this is all heading. Is English football going down the pan? Will £5bn of TV coin help its teams become Big Cup heavyweights again? The Fiver couldn’t give a solitary one. And nor should anyone else who likes being right royally entertained. The fact that James Milner’s Slip, Crash, Guffaw! attempt to tackle Messi is today’s most-popular highlight of last night’s match is evidence that English football is doing what it has always done best, well, better than ever. “I don’t see it as a failure,” said Manuel Pellegrini of City’s exit. Neither does The Fiver. The Premier League will keep on keeping on with or without Big Cup success – as long as its players keep falling over.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I’ve have had discussions with Tom and his dad over the last week or so and he has decided he does not want to considered for the Under-21s” – Gareth Southgate reveals the priorities of Hull City’s Tom Ince, who’s currently on his latest loan to the Championship.
FIVER LETTERS
“After reading Martin Mason’s berating of your ‘Queen’s Celtic’ and ‘Pope’s Rangers’ [sic] ‘in-joke’ being (in his opinion) not ‘funny in the first place and less so after seeing it for the 70th or 80th time’ (yesterday’s Fiver letter), I’d give this advice. If you’re mad because you’re seeing these jokes for the 70th or 80th time, I wouldn’t peruse the rest of The Fiver for new, fresh bits” – Todd Van Allen.
“It’s nice to see The Fiver is still attracting new readers” – Will Frater.
“In Martin’s letter, he: a) admits that he persists with a joke that even he doesn’t find funny; b) represents the facts wildly inaccurately; and c) goes on for far too long. Is he a Fiver tribute act?” – George Wright.
“No doubt I am one of 1,057 people to point out the irony that your correspondent complaining about the Old Firm – or has that business been dissolved – joke was a Mason” – Howard Ewing (and 1,056 others).
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is: Todd Van Allen.
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BITS AND BOBS
Bah gawd, Mr Roy, that’s Harry Kane’s music! Here’s the full England squad to face Lithuania and Italy: Forster (Southampton), Hart (Manchester City), Baines (Everton), Cahill (Chelsea), Clyne (Southampton), Gibbs (Arsenal), Jagielka (Everton), Jones (Manchester United), Shaw (Manchester United), Smalling (Manchester United), Walker (Tottenham), Barkley (Everton), Carrick (Manchester United), Delph (Aston Villa), Henderson (Liverpool), Lallana (Liverpool), Milner (Manchester City), Sterling (Liverpool), Townsend (Tottenham), Morris-Dancing Fiver (Fiver Towers), Walcott (Arsenal), Kane (Parts Unknown), Rooney (Manchester United), Sturridge (Liverpool), Welbeck (Arsenal).
Serbian defender Milos Markovic channelled his inner-Ketsbaia last night after getting sent off during Ceahlaul’s 1-0 defeat to Steaua Bucharest. Here’s how it went down.
Manchester United are sniffing around Athletic Bilbao’s Aymeric Laporte, while Manchester City will consider serious offers for Yaya Touré, so it says here.
Still smarting from being dumped out of Big Cup on away goals, Arsenal boss Arsène Wenger wants the rule scrapped. “This has been created in the 60s to encourage the teams to attack away from home,” he sulked. “Since [then] football has changed. The weight of the away goal is too big today.”
Newcastle boss John Carver has got the funk on with Phil Neville after the pundit claimed Magpies players’ minds were already on their end-of-season holidays during last weekend’s 3-0 loss at Everton. “I think it’s insulting and I think it’s wrong, especially from ex-players,” roared Carver. “I’m sure if they were playing now, they wouldn’t like the comments, as I didn’t. What I did do was to inform the players about what these people had been saying. I thought it was important that they knew. Now it’s down to ourselves to show those people out there that we’ve not got our flip-flops on – although we might today, because it’s sunny.”
And Parma have been declared bankrupt by an Italian court.
STILL WANT MORE?
English clubs’ Big Cup woes look more like a trend than a blip, doom-mongers Owen Gibson.
Pathetic Panenkas and Elton John’s Watford star in this week’s Classic YouTube.
Sid Lowe waxes lyrical after another mesmerising Messi-like performance from, well, Leo Messi.
Namgay Zam reports from Thimphu, where Bhutan is coming down with a serious case of World Cup Fever!
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.
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