After retraining, I’m too old for my new colleagues and too junior for my age group
About 18 months ago, after being made redundant, I decided to completely change career. I was successful at getting a place on an accountancy graduate scheme. It’s been tough going having to adjust to a much lower salary and combining work with a lot of studying, but I’ve not regretted the change and am well on the way to qualifying as a chartered accountant with a respected firm.
My problem is with my team colleagues. They are mostly recent graduates; some are school leavers studying instead of going to university. They are all very nice, but at nearly 40 I feel the age gap between myself and them pretty keenly.
The company I work for holds several social events during the year. Normally the senior members of staff go for a short while and then the night turns into a bit of a “bender” for my colleagues who will drink until closing time and then end the evening at a club. I have attended some of these evenings, but I’m not really part of the conversation due to the generation gap. I feel more at ease with the senior members of staff as we have more in common, but I’m conscious of my “place” as a junior member of the team – the senior staff and the juniors don’t mix that much.
I feel isolated and stuck between two worlds. I don’t want to be the pathetic person who thinks they’re “down with the kids”, but I miss being part of a work social scene. What can I do to improve my situation?
Jeremy says
I can quite understand your difficulty, and if there’s an easy solution I haven’t been able to think of it. You’re not going to feel comfortable in either of these worlds. You may feel more at ease in the company of the senior members of staff – but you’re right to be conscious of your “place”. And the juniors, nice though they are, would be quick to think you were getting ideas above your station.
I have one suggestion that you may find worth trying. In effect, I’m proposing that since neither of these worlds is a perfect fit for you, you should encourage the informal creation of a third one – or at least, part of one. You need to find some link other than age or seniority; some common interest that you could share with at least some of your younger colleagues that could provide a unifying theme.
For example, you might be a bit of a film buff. It’s extremely easy these days to arrange screenings. It would seem reasonable to suppose that there might be a couple of other film buffs among the younger crowd – and a few more who’d be interested. By the sound of it, your company would welcome such an initiative.
One or two of the seniors might even be interested. And of course it doesn’t have to be films: just any interest that transcends age and seniority. Give it some thought. It could give you a kind of “membership” that at the moment you don’t have.
Readers say
• These company-wide “social events” sound quite stressful. I’d suggest trying to go for the odd drink with a smaller group and trying to build up relationships that way. Once you’re already comfortable in the company of a few of them, it gives you “armour” for the bigger events. It can be a bit tricky to arrange these small group outings – you don’t want to look like you’re creating a clique – but if you look for natural opportunities (seeing whether a few people working on a particular project with you fancy a pint after work, for instance) I’m sure they’re there. fluffybunnywabbits
• Audit and accountancy are relationship businesses (I worked for a big four firm) – you should learn to develop techniques to talk to people of all grades and ages. As you progress you will have to get used to attending functions where you know few if any people. JulesMaigret
• Well done for trying. You can do it but be yourself. I was a returner to work aged 43. Some people on my course were chatty, others ignored me – this wasn’t a problem for me as I just wanted to get the qualification. I am now a 62-year-old working in an office of under-30s. For a while I felt a bit isolated but we all got used to each other and now get on very well. bonnellio
• My advice? Keep trying, but don’t try to force it. SensibleJ
I’m on the autism spectrum and don’t know if I should mention it at interview
I was made redundant nearly three months ago from a job that I loved. I am on the autism spectrum, and am now looking for what will be the second job I’ve had since my diagnosis.
I’ve been successful insofar as I am able to get interviews, but I can’t get past the interview stage. I don’t know whether this is because I am disclosing my disability or not.
I obviously have the skills, since I have been shortlisted and invited to interviews, which seem to go well – but then I don’t get the job. Now after more than 18 interviews in two-and-a-half months I really don’t know whether I should tell my interviewers I have a disability or not.
Jeremy says
I’m not entirely sure from your letter whether you’ve been disclosing your disability as part of your initial application, or whether you’ve been disclosing it only when you reach interview stage. I suspect the latter. This is an important decision – and I hope you’ve been in touch with the National Autistic Society who, from their wealth of experience, should be able to advise you more knowledgeably than I can.
My own instinct is that you should be entirely open about your autism from the very beginning. That piece of information may well limit the number of interview invitations you receive, but, importantly, you’ll know from the start of any you are invited to attend that your interviewers won’t have ruled you out because of it.
I wish I knew a little more about that job from which you were made redundant three months ago. I hope you were with them for a comfortingly long period of time and that they gave you an excellent reference. Because I believe the approach you should take from now on should be a positive one: emphasise the known fact that many people on the autism spectrum have exceptional skills and abilities that for certain jobs make them exceptional candidates – of which you are one. Your references and your bearing at the interview will then provide any reassurance that might be thought necessary.
Readers say
• You don’t need to tell a potential employer, so it’s a question of whether telling them will help you. QSBurroughsDay
• Lots of people will have preconceived notions about what being on the autism spectrum means, and some of those notions will be indistinguishable from plain old prejudice. There’s no reason to authorise these folks to treat you poorly. HumanBoeing
• If you do disclose and aren’t offered the job, and you think this is due to your disclosure, you may be able to seek legal redress under the Equality Act 2010.
It might be helpful to get some expert advice from organisations who specialise in employment law, for example Acas and EASS. my56heart
• 18 interviews in two-and-a-half months is a hell of a total. I would really have thought you could be getting some feedback though. Wishing you the best of luck. xtrapnel
Do you need advice on a work issue? For Jeremy’s and readers’ help, send a brief email to dear.jeremy@theguardian.com. Please note that he is unable to answer questions of a legal nature or to reply personally.
