A colleague’s behaviour is making work unbearable, but what can I do about it?
I am a senior manager in a large professional firm. The work is interesting and rewarding, and the majority of my colleagues very pleasant. Unfortunately, over the past couple of years a senior colleague – who is my peer – has become increasingly aggressive, domineering and bullying. She is rude to her team, to her colleagues – including me – and, on occasion, even to the partners. Several good people have left, privately citing her behaviour as the reason. Other people have gone on “stress leave”.
The partners are aware of the problems as they have surfaced in exit interviews and feedback, but they appear reluctant or unable to do anything about it. My colleague has been successful in winning some new contracts and this appears to be the most important thing to them. I try to challenge her behaviour but what else can I do?
Jeremy says
I doubt if challenging this colleague will achieve very much. When people are aggressive, domineering and bullying – all of which you say she is – they are extremely unlikely to respond kindly to being challenged. They are far more likely to become even more intransigent. My guess is that this person, for whatever reason or combination of reasons, is going through a very unhappy period, which leads her to take it out on all those around her at work. In saying this I am not excusing her behaviour, just trying to put it in context. From what you say, she’s in need of help.
It’s worth, too, trying to understand the partners’ behaviour – or rather, their lack of it. As you say, it’s inconceivable that they’re unaware of the effect that this senior manager’s conduct is having on other members of staff and therefore on the overall performance of the firm.
Their failure to take any action may be, in part, to do with her capacity to win new contracts, but I suspect they’re also more than a little intimidated. Dealing with a strong-willed, long-serving and aggressive senior member of staff, with a good work record, requires unusual strength of will. If there’s no burning necessity to take immediate action, it’s all too easy to let things drift. They probably constantly say to each other: “What are we going to do about this person?” And then, because it’s all too difficult, move on to something else.
Approach the partners, not with any form of complaint about this colleague but with a message of concern. Remind them that for two years now her behaviour has become increasingly aggressive – and you’re not alone in being more and more anxious about her health. The partners will be all too aware of the consequences of her behaviour. Nor should you seem to be raising this subject because of any rudeness to you.
Once the partners see that this senior manager is not just a work problem they are reluctant to face, but is a troubled human being in need of sympathy and help – and that it’s their responsibility to provide that help – there is every chance that this difficult situation will be resolved. I doubt that your colleague, initially anyway, will welcome such attention being paid to her wellbeing, but it’s very much in her own interest that she is offered rest and support.
Readers say
• Managers often tolerate the rude and aggressive even if they don’t produce the right results because it allows them to be the good guy and play nice even if only by comparison. miffy4boys
• Ex-boss here. On several occasions junior staff complained to me about their immediate managers. I asked them to make a formal complaint and they wouldn’t, because it would make their lives more unpleasant. Not a lot you can do then. hermoine
• When confronted by aggressive behaviour I explain that I am quite able to listen to a quiet exchange of ideas and that when the person is able to talk to me correctly I am more than prepared to listen. The fundamental approach is designed to change the rules of the aggressive’s game. memoriesrecalled
• Contact your trade union, get their assistance to make a formal complaint, and if management doesn’t act, raise a grievance. bimblingbike
• Push back. Be stronger. Dominate. Been in situations like that dozens of times: Game on! Sargv
I’ve been offered a role for which I don’t really feel qualified – should I take it?
I recently applied for a relatively low-level job. I’m an established, experienced professional, but this was in a slightly different area of finance in which I made my career, which is why I was willing to accept a slightly lower grade and learn the ropes.
However, the company I applied to said I was too experienced for the role I was asking for, and offered me a more senior managerial position overseeing the people in the role I had originally applied for … but I’m most definitely not the best candidate.
However, I know it would undoubtedly be an invaluable experience, one that may not come around again.
Would it be right/sensible to take the job without knowing whether I can actually do it, or would it be more prudent to turn it down and wait until I’m a bit more experienced in that area?
Jeremy says
This is a highly responsible question for you to ask yourself – but it may not be a necessary one. When people are asked to take on an important new role, the halfway honest ones will freely admit, at least to themselves, that they are far from certain that they’re up to it, let alone that they are the very best candidate.
Virtually every promotion contains an element of risk. Anyone who is absolutely certain that they can do a new and challenging job is deluding themselves. Those who have offered you this opportunity have seen enough of you to think you’re good enough to do it. They’ll almost certainly expect you to take some time to find your feet rather than, in that unfortunate phrase, “hit the ground running”. (This is a fashionable piece of bravado that’s prompted many an unthinking executive to make so many mistakes in their first few weeks that it’s taken them months to recover.)
Your doubts, though understandable, are nonetheless best kept to yourself. You must seem more confident that you actually are – until you gradually discover that your confidence has become well grounded and real.
Readers say
• This happened to me a few years ago. I took the job and it led to all sorts of other opportunities which really defined the way my career has gone. I would advise you to take it. Ignite01
• Sometimes the best way is to just jump in the deep end and see if you can swim. Go for it. NorthyB
• Ordinarily, I would say “take it”. They have obviously assessed your suitability and felt you were the ideal candidate. The problem is that you have now convinced yourself that you are “definitely not” the right person. Only if you can overcome your misgivings and actually feel excited about the role should you accept it. I hope it is this latter route that you take. starterforten
Do you need advice on a work issue? For Jeremy’s and readers’ help, send a brief email to dear.jeremy@theguardian.com. Please note that he is unable to answer questions of a legal nature or to reply personally.
