I’m angry my boss betrayed my confidence after I chose to share something personal
I recently shared some confidential personal (job-related) information with my manager, who confirmed they would not share it until I was happy for the news to be more widely known.
I was therefore very upset when, at a formal work meeting, several people from outside my organisation came to congratulate me. When I asked who had shared my news they mentioned another name in my organisation, who just so happens to be a close confidante of my manager.
This has made me angry, and I suppose, more importantly, very distrustful of the people I’m working with. Should I challenge my manager about this breach of confidentiality or just let it pass?
Jeremy says
Your angry reaction is entirely understandable, but you’ve shown good sense in not storming off to accuse your manager of betraying your confidence.
Three facts suggest to me that doing nothing may be much the best course of action. First, you were going to make this news more widely known at some point, so presumably its premature disclosure is inconvenient rather than disastrous. Second, it is just possible, although I agree highly unlikely, that the close confidante of your manager obtained this information not from your manager but from somebody else. And third, if you did challenge your manager, and he or she strenuously denied having mentioned your news to anyone, what would you do then? They just might be telling the truth and you’d have no way of proving they were not. Relations between you would become strained without you having achieved anything.
There’s one move you might contemplate. Tell your manager quite lightly that they no longer need to keep your news a secret since at a formal work meeting the other week you were congratulated by several people, so clearly the news is out. You might learn something from their reaction – but probably not.
I think doing nothing is best. But I don’t suppose you’ll trust your manager with anything confidential again.
Readers say
• Don’t, under any circumstances, say anything. You know now this manager cannot be trusted with confidential information, a fact you will need to retain during your time at the company. He will also be passing information on other business-related issues – something you may be able to use to your advantage in the future. Gcorbs
• You need to think what outcome you want – an argument with your manager, a humiliating apology? There’s unlikely to be a happy ending. I suggest letting it go; keep your own counsel next time. JulesMaigret
• Presumably you’ve not suffered detrimentally as a result? If not, I would keep quiet and know you can’t trust this individual with confidential information again. If you have suffered and feel there is a remedy within your company’s grievance procedure investigate this (in the full knowledge your working relationship with this person will be irrevocably changed). Stroppimare
After 16 years spent leading a project I was overlooked for a top job. How do I move on?
I’m in my mid-50s and for 16 years have poured everything into a regeneration project within a local authority. I initiated the renewal of a previously neglected cultural asset, setting the strategy, raising six-figure sums in funding, while managing the operation and a team that beat targets to increase profile, income and audiences.
When the asset was closed for the three-year building project, I gave up the security of local government to work on a freelance basis, at its behest, for an independent organisation which was due to take over governance and management of the asset.
The appointment of a director was supposed to be made within a few months and I was encouraged greatly that it was hoped and expected I would apply. However, the process dragged on for a year due to project delays. Despite successfully achieving all that was asked of me during this period, I felt a distinct cooling towards me once the recruitment process started and I was apparently “pipped at the post” for the role of director. I was told the decision was “agonised over”. Colleagues internally and externally were shocked and the appointment has surprised many.
I now find myself in the position of not knowing how to explain this set of events to prospective employers. I am longing to put my skills and energies towards a new project, and am very proud of my achievements, but talking about them inevitably leads to the obvious question: “so why are you not finishing the job?”
I had an interview this week in which I was a shadow of my former self – self-doubt and anxiety crippling my performance and an inner dread of being asked why I was effectively “let go”. As an experienced recruiter I know this is a question I would be asking. I have been assured my referees will give super glowing references, and they supposedly feel terrible about what has transpired, but how on earth do I move on?
Jeremy says
It’s going to be hugely difficult for you. I’m surprised, and appalled, that none of the people who were responsible for appointing the new director had the courtesy to talk you through their reasoning as to why the job went to someone else. You have every right to ask for such a conversation and they have an absolute moral responsibility to grant it.
Your most difficult task at this most difficult of times will be to keep your understandable bitterness from public view. It shouldn’t be the case, but intense and persistent bitterness from someone who’s lost out in an apparently fair contest can soon lose that person much of the sympathy and support they deserve and need.
So conduct yourself with steely dignity. Inspect those super glowing references and make sure they contain a clear answer to the question you dread being asked in interviews: ‘so why are you not finishing the job?’ If it’s not there, ask for it to be included; I suspect your shame-faced former employers will do almost anything to alleviate the guilt at least some of them must feel.
And when granted future interviews – and your record and your references should ensure that you are – your attitude should be one of intense resolve. Of course you would have liked that job, but you didn’t get it. Your determination now is to lend all your drive and experience to the cause of another such organisation because you know you can do it. The very best of luck.
Readers say
• You sound like your passion is in developing projects and being fully involved. As a director you would be bogged down in admin and committees and lots of aspects that would remove you from the work you love. You could quickly feel yourself becoming stale.
Competent and knowledgeable project management is a precious skill, and often much more respected by those who would be working with you. Bask in that thought instead, and go for roles where you can thrive in this. notafrog
• Pretty much everyone has seen a job they thought they should get go to someone else. Just tell the panel you didn’t get it because of reasons X, Y and Z. It’s very important that you don’t sound bitter, resentful or defeated. But as long as you are smart about what you apply for, reasons X, Y and Z shouldn’t matter as you haven’t applied for a job in which they’re essential. woodchopper
Do you need advice on a work issue? For Jeremy’s and readers’ help, send a brief email to dear.jeremy@theguardian.com. Please note that he is unable to answer questions of a legal nature or to reply personally.
