It’s 2015 – but my interviewer wanted to know how I’d juggle work and motherhood
I recently had an interview at a well-respected commercial organisation. I have ample relevant experience for the position and felt that the interview was going well during the section where I was asked technical questions, gave a presentation and had to answer questions related to my field of work.
I was interviewed by two men (I am female). I was asked by one of them how I would cope with the work bearing in mind I have two children – I had disclosed this in my application form only to explain a short gap in my career.
I was stunned to be asked this in 2015, and while I wanted to challenge them by asking whether they were putting the same question to male candidates I answered along the lines of “Fine, obviously, or I would not have applied for this position as I am not stupid and have worked since my children were small”.
The interview continued and it was made clear that successful candidates would be chosen largely on whether they would “fit in” with the organisation and other staff. I have yet to hear whether or not I have been successful.
Leaving aside the issue of whether I want to work for an organisation that asks such questions in interviews, I am not sure whether and how to raise the issue with the company. If I am unsuccessful I do not want to appear that I am acting out of “sour grapes”, but I feel very angry that I was asked such a question when I suspect male candidates would not have been. I feel that future female candidates should not be put in such a position and this large organisation should know better than to interview in such a way.
How do I, and should I, raise this issue with the organisation in question?
Jeremy says
I have every sympathy for your feelings and understand your reaction, but I’m afraid I am not going to agree with the intensity of your response. You may think that this is because I, too, am a man, and you may be right. But I hope you’ll at least give some open-minded thought to my reply.
At a cool, factual level, it is indisputably the case that when women are carrying the majority duties of bringing up young children they need to be more inventive than their male partners in programming their various work and home responsibilities. And when a child’s illness or demands from school intervene, it is often the mother rather than the father who chooses (or is chosen) to do the necessary juggling – which may well have a brief impact on her timekeeping. Most are skilled at covering or working late, and take pride in ensuring that the impact on work is minimal. This allocation of responsibilities between parents may be unfair and may well be unnecessary – but it’s certainly not uncommon.
The male interviewer who asked you how you would cope bearing in mind that you had two children was certainly guilty of clumsiness and insensitivity – but to his not very empathetic mind, he was simply acknowledging an understood reality and wanting to know how you managed it. In that respect I honestly don’t see that there was anything inherently offensive about his question. I think your immediate reaction was a bit extreme, and I fear this reaction may have disproportionately coloured your view of the entire company.
Whether or not you’re offered this job – and let’s hope you are – I suggest you write a measured letter to your main contact there. Explain the reasons for your writing though more temperately than in your letter to me. Simply and helpfully suggest that such a question, however tactfully phrased, could well deter excellent female candidates from wanting to join. Even if you don’t get the job, that won’t sound like sour grapes.
Readers say
• I have a friend who was asked this in an interview for promotion – in the civil service! She complained and the questioner was disciplined. In the private sector, where I work, anything goes. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t challenge it, though. I would make the complaint. Daenelle
• I’d keep my big mouth shut and allow for the possibility that I was making more out of this than was actually the case. If I were on the other side of the table and recognised you from your letter, I would prefer not to hire you on the grounds that you are so angry about this. How do you plan to work with these colleagues in future if you start by complaining about them? Aranzazu
• I would wait for the decision, but you’re quite right – it was unacceptable and needs to be flagged with the organisation whether you get the job or not. loun
• I would have asked if they had any children and how they have coped with it. ISullivan
Should I risk missing out on a dream job by admitting that I’m scared of flying?
I’m in work and am interviewing for a dream role at the headquarters of an international company that has offices all around the world.
The problem is I have a fear of flying. In the past this has lost me several other roles (even though you could argue there really wasn’t much of a need to travel). The job specification has no mention of a requirement to travel. I imagine it may be useful to visit the other offices as part of the role, but not essential.
What should I do – be upfront and risk not getting the job again, or say nothing and risk losing it once I start?
Jeremy says
Since no mention is made in the job spec of a requirement to travel, I see no point in your volunteering the fact that you have a serious fear of flying – but I say this on one condition. There are almost no worthwhile jobs these days that won’t occasionally call for people to travel, and unless it’s to somewhere within easy reach of Eurostar that means flying. So I think it’s high time you determined to rid yourself of this horrible but curable phobia.
I have had several letters in the past from people who have surprised themselves by the success of various courses or methodologies on offer. Google “fear of flying” and you’ll have a day’s worth of suggestions to wade through – some strictly commercial, some free, some based on published articles, and some, no doubt, dodgy. But the overall success rate seems to be reassuringly high. You should go for it before your first overseas assignment crops up.
Readers say
• Don’t say anything! Get help. Pay for a cognitive behavioural therapy course and don’t be afraid to use some pills. Your body has latched on to flying as a trigger for fear and flight, flooding you with adrenaline at the idea of entering that tube. Beta blockers can put a floor under this and once you realise you’re not going to die you will recover. Take the job and then pay for help. Realise it’s just your body playing tricks on you – teach it who’s boss. Speakman
• I haven’t been in one of those crash-prone flying cigar tubes for years and it suits me just fine. Flatulentus 6
• Just sign up with a recruitment agency in the various cities and then get someone to turn up and pass as you in each one. Problem solved. BigBanana
Do you need advice on a work issue? For Jeremy’s and readers’ help, send a brief email to dear.jeremy@theguardian.com. Please note that he is unable to answer questions of a legal nature or to reply personally.
