Dear Jeremy – your work issues solved

Should I tell my workmates that a colleague is lying about the death of her son?

My dilemma is that I have recently proved that my colleague has lied and is continuing to lie about the death of her 22-year-old son.

She announced three months ago that her son had been battling lymphoma for the past two years and that his death was imminent. A month later she told us he had passed away. As colleagues we have been on a roller coaster of emotions and have offered support, love and comfort to a grieving mother while she remained at work in an effort to cling on to normality.

Since her son’s “death” this colleague has made comments that made me doubt that her situation was genuine. After a little research I have proved that her son is very much alive and away studying at university. My colleagues seem unaware of her lie and continue to be pulled into her deceit.

I feel she has taken advantage of our compassion and continues to abuse our trust. She has used this situation to make demands at work, such as a decrease in hours.

If I don’t say anything then the lie continues, but if I tackle it I am unsure as to what course of action to take.

I am worried how I will be perceived by management and colleagues for doubting and researching her life. She is a well-liked member of the team and they will be shocked and hurt.

Jeremy says

Oh wow! You must envy your colleagues their blissful ignorance. Yours is a hugely awkward dilemma.

I can quite understand your unease at revealing what you’ve discovered. It would be all too easy for others to portray you as a self-appointed busybody, prying into other people’s lives and taking pleasure in digging up the dirt. You will want do everything you can to avoid that consequence: it would be unjust and undeserved.

A key to the solution, I think, is the fact that this deceitful colleague uses her entirely fictitious loss to her own advantage – by excusing herself from certain work which then has to be picked up by the rest of you. So if you let her get away with it, you’d be knowingly penalising other team-mates. Were they to discover a year or so later that they’d been wasting their compassion and taking on her work and that you’d known about it all the time, they’d have every right to be critical of you – as would, of course, your management. And such a large-scale deception in very unlikely to survive uncovered for ever.

With all that in mind, I think that doing nothing simply isn’t an option.

Your first essential is to be absolutely certain of your case. Under no circumstances make any allegation based on anything other than demonstrable fact. Then approach either HR, if you have such a department, or the member of management with whom you feel most comfortable. Tell them that you are in the deeply uncomfortable position of knowing that a member of staff is cheating both the company and colleagues.

Give the reasoning outlined above, and say you’ve reluctantly decided that you have no choice but to pass on this information. Tell them they can easily check your story for accuracy – then ask for their assurance that they will never disclose its source. Only when you’ve received this assurance should you reveal what you know about your deceitful colleague.

You can do no more. It’s possible that you’ll never be publicly known as the whistleblower; but realistically, I’m afraid, it’s by no means certain.

Readers say

• Being dragged unwillingly into someone else’s lie is a terrible burden. To continue being the only person who knows the truth will end up with you being ostracised. With other colleagues being supportive by tiptoeing around this person’s feelings, consoling the woman on the “one year anniversary”, nodding knowingly when she asks for time off for bereavement counselling, it will soon be noticed that you are failing to give support. You need to share your suspicions with a senior manager you trust. ValerieSelden

• I doubt your colleague did this cynically simply to gain advantages at work. I think it is more likely a symptom of a psychological disturbance. If you do raise it (and I think it is right to) I’d advise doing so in the context of concern for her wellbeing. catherinegalvin

• Contact the son. He’d want to know, and if he comes back to help his mother the lie will become obvious all on its own. JuliaBurns

• Be aware that Facebook doesn’t automatically close the pages of dead people, so if you saw his Facebook page then that may not mean much. Vencio

• Print off the information you have found and put it in a card to this colleague in which you have written “You have abused your colleagues’ trust and goodwill. It would be prudent to cease forthwith.” JayeKaye

Agencies are rejecting me because I’m starting afresh in my mid-forties

I am over 45 and three years ago decided to start to learn bookkeeping with the aim of finding a job as an invoicing clerk. I studied hard while still working and looking after my family. I managed to complete three levels of City and Guild bookkeeping and I got also a qualification for Sage 50.

However, now that I am going to employment agencies I am not having much luck because of my lack of experience. I cannot afford to work as a volunteer to get experience, as I need money.

Do you have any suggestions?

Jeremy says

You’ve shown commendable determination in completing these courses and it does seem unfair that your three years’ hard work should have so little to show for it. At the same time, when up against more experienced people for the same full-time job, it’s easy to see why you’re being passed over.

My suggestion is that you go about finding work rather differently. There are more and more small businesses setting up; few, initially at least, need a full-time bookkeeper, but they all need bookkeeping done. I think you should position yourself as a freelance, well-qualified bookkeeper specialising in working with smaller local enterprises on a fixed, agreed hourly tariff.

Such firms would be unlikely to seek help from employment agencies: you’ll need to contact them yourself. So you should join any local business groups, both actual and online, and get professional-looking business cards printed. For attracting local interest, it’s surprising how effective a postcard in a newsagent’s window can still be.

From small beginnings, you could grow your own business, either by taking on more small clients or by growing with some of them – possibly even leading to a full-time appointment.

Readers say

• Agencies will take no risks. They know what their clients want and supply staff to fit. You have to market yourself directly or be self-employed. optimist99

• Temp around for a while in general admin and when you work for companies with a finance department, apply direct to them while you are there, when they can see you are a good worker and reliable. tippitippitippi

Do you need advice on a work issue? For Jeremy’s and readers’ help, send a brief email to dear.jeremy@theguardian.com. Please note that he is unable to answer questions of a legal nature or reply personally.