Dear Coleen
I’m a woman in my early 30s and for the past few months I’ve been having regular dreams about an old friend.
Usually, we have sex in these dreams, which is a real turn-on, and in other dreams we’re intimate and romantic.
It’s driving me crazy because I haven’t seen him in ages. We became closer about a year ago when he broke up with his
girlfriend and I was a shoulder to cry on, but he’s since moved on and has a new partner.
I suppose our friendship was quite flirty, but nothing physical ever happened – we’ve known each other for so long that it never crossed my mind there might be something deeper between us.
I’m still in touch with him and he keeps me updated on his life, but I don’t know whether I should confess that I’m having these sexy dreams about him. He’s obviously happy with his girlfriend and I don’t even know how I would feel if I ever had the opportunity to date him or sleep with him. It might be totally different in real life.
Do you think I’m in love with him, but I can’t acknowledge it because he’s not available? I’m sure this isn’t normal!
Coleen says
Well, according to Freud, our dreams represent our unconscious desires, so maybe you do have romantic and sexual feelings for your friend but repress them because you don’t believe he feels the same.
Perhaps you need to ’fess up, even if it’s in a jokey way, in order to put a stop to the dreams and move on. If he laughs it off and it’s clear he doesn’t think of you in that way, then it might help. I’m assuming you’re currently single, although you don’t say this in your letter, and I’m guessing if you met someone else you really fancied, these dreams would disappear.
This friend might just be an object of fantasy. We’ve all had those dreams about a celebrity or a friend and woken up believing, just for a split second, that something actually happened or that we’re in love with that person.
So maybe it’s more about your desire to find romance than a desire to be with your friend. Think about your own life and what’s going to make you happy – is it online dating or just being more sociable and getting out more with your friends?
The bottom line is, your mate isn’t free to date you anyway, so focus on something positive instead and move on.
