Dear Coleen
My sister is 64 and has dementia. My brother-in-law is her carer, but I don’t think he’s capable of it.
He has no patience or compassion for her and they seem to resent each other.
Recently, I’ve been driving from out of town, cooking dinner for them and staying the night.
He goes for a workout in the morning, comes home and then I leave.
Every time I’ve been, she is a wreck after he’s argued with her over something silly and left a mess for me to fix.
The last time I was down she wanted to go to lunch. She had two glasses of wine and maybe said a bit more than she would have normally.
We went grocery shopping and I found her in the wine aisle with the cap off a bottle, chugging it back.
On the way home she started crying in panic and saying she didn’t want to be around her husband.
She called him self-centred and tried to jump out of the moving car!
When we got back to my sister’s house, her husband was there and I had a go at him.
He flew into a rage and kicked me out. He’s been my brother-in-law for 40 years, yet had no awareness of how he was acting.
He’s now saying that I owe my sister (who can’t remember anything), him and their daughters an apology.
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Coleen says
My mother had Alzheimer’s, so I know from personal experience that it’s a very high-stress situation.
And while it’s great that you’ve been going to help out when you can, living with someone with dementia is incredibly intense and upsetting.
Coping with my mum’s illness was the most stressful situation I’ve ever known. At times my mum called me terrible things she’d never have said in her right mind.
So you can’t be sure that’s how your sister really feels about her husband or that he has no patience or compassion for her.
From a carer’s point of view, there are times when you get frustrated and feel angry and desperate. However, your brother-in-law hasn’t walked away – he’s still there trying to cope.
For me, the way forward would be to go round and speak to your brother-in-law. Tell him you’re sorry if you caused any more stress, but you were upset by what your sister said.
Keep it civil and suggest that you don’t fall out, but support each other.
I’d also recommend getting in touch with Alzheimer’s Society ( alzheimers.org.uk ), which was a brilliant support to my family when our mum developed the condition.
Good luck.
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