Dear Coleen
I’m a woman aged 33 and have a younger sister who’s 29.
Recently, my dad arranged a video call with us and told us that he’s gay, that he’d struggled with coming out for many years and that he had started seeing someone.
We were shocked, as neither of us had any idea that was the reason behind him leaving our mum in November.
Both of them sat us down at the time and explained the marriage wasn’t working any more and that they thought they’d be happier if they were apart.
I suppose I always knew the marriage wasn’t what my dad wanted – he struggled with depression a bit over the years. However, my mum adored him and never seemed unhappy.
What’s worrying my sister and me is that my mum doesn’t know yet about my dad being gay or about him being involved with someone.
I’m so worried it’s going to crush her when she finds out. I think she’ll be humiliated and won’t know how to tell friends, plus I think she was secretly hoping they might get back together at some point.
How should we handle this? I want to support my dad, but feel worried about my mum.
Coleen says
First of all, your mum might have suspected something, so the news may not be such a shock, but it’s still upsetting to have your fears confirmed.
You have to accept she’s going to be upset, regardless of how the news is delivered. And she’ll probably question every day of her marriage and might be angry about the time she’s given it.
It’s obviously up to your dad to tell her and I’m sure he’ll do this in the best way he can. They’ll still have love, friendship and respect for each other.
Perhaps the way to approach it is to ask your parents what they need from you and your sister so you can support them. And let them know you’re there for them whenever they want to talk or let off steam.
It probably seems very daunting right now, but I have friends who’ve been in this situation and they’ve been able to remain pals and support each other at family events.
It’s a big change for you all, but you just have to keep talking and be honest about your feelings.
It must have been scary for your dad to admit this to you, not knowing how you’d react, but it’s very positive that you can talk as a family, which will hopefully make things easier going forward.
