Dear Coleen
I feel too embarrassed to speak to friends about my problem, so here goes. I have been with my partner for 13 years, with a year’s break in between. He shows no interest in me sexually and we haven’t been intimate for six years. It may even be longer.
I have looked at the web history on his tablet and he’s always looking up younger women on Facebook, Instagram and so on. One of these is his friend’s daughter, who is 23 (I am 49 and so is he).
He has also been on some kind of sex webchat with younger women. He denied all of this, even though I had the proof. He then changed his passwords because he said I’d invaded his privacy.
He is never wrong and has an excuse for absolutely everything. He is constantly on his phone playing games and is, quite frankly, boring.
Recently, I have been chatting to a man I knew in the past and did meet him for a coffee a few weeks ago. I am so tempted to cheat because I am desperate for some kind of intimacy.
I work full time and I also take care of my mum, and feel so low in mood and a bit useless to be honest.
What do you think I should do?
Coleen says
I don’t think an affair is the answer, but I absolutely think you need to face up to whether you actually want to be in this relationship. Is there anything to build on at all or have you just become unhappy housemates?
Be really honest with yourself and, if it’s just fear or habit that’s keeping you in it, then I think you have your answer.
You have to have a proper conversation with your partner first – it’s not just about the web history, it’s about the fact you haven’t slept together in six years and that you’re miserable and bored – and ask him how he feels, and whether he thinks there’s anything that’s worth saving.
If you did agree to work on the relationship, then I think counselling and even psychosexual therapy would be a good idea, and you can access these services online.
It’s hard to have these conversations and it’s also difficult to admit when something is over – I know this from personal experience.
However, although scary, all I can tell you is when you do make the decision to end something that’s been unhappy for a long period, it’s a relief and you’re at least in a position to plan for your future and look forward to happier times.
Maybe you will end up dating this old friend but, for now, focus on making a decision about your relationship. Good luck.
