Dear Coleen
Before lockdown, I suspected my husband was having an affair. We’re both in our early-40s and have been together for nine years.
I suppose I ignored the signs for some time because I didn’t want it to be true but, since lockdown, he’s been offering to go out for shopping all the time or take our dog for a walk (which he usually complains about).
He’s always gone far longer than it takes to pick up some groceries or walk round the block.
Last week, my friend confirmed my fears when she saw my husband go into the home of a woman who we both know socially.
He would have no reason at all to see her unless he was up to no good.
I want to confront him, but I’m not sure how to start the conversation, especially when we have to be in the same house. Also, once this is out I’m not sure there will be any going back.
I’m so angry with him I feel like reporting him to police for breaking lockdown. Can you help? The longer I think about it, the more angry I get.
Coleen says
I don’t think reporting him is really the answer because that’s not what you care about; you care about the fact he’s been seeing another woman.
Reporting him is about revenge. You have to focus on finding out what he’s been doing and why. You can’t live with all this repressed anger.
I’m hoping when you do have the conversation, you can start it without showing anger.
Why not just open the conversation calmly with: “OK, shall we talk about why you were seen visiting this woman’s house?”
Let him talk, but tell him there’s no point in lying and that you want to talk about what you’re going to do. Of course you can drop in that you were so angry, you were close to reporting him for breaking lockdown.
Of course it’s hard not to scream and rage, but it’s not going to help you get to the truth or to discuss where you go from here.
But you can’t hold this knowledge inside. We’re all aware of the fragility of our mental health at the moment and keeping this in will be very damaging.
Good luck with the conversation and with what you decide to do.
