Dear Coleen
My husband and I are 56 and have one daughter, who’s 16. She’s clever and popular and charming to everyone else but us. She was a delight when she was younger and never acted like a spoiled brat, but she’s making up for it big
time now.
She’s rude, obnoxious and angry with us all the time. We can’t have a civil conversation these days without it ending in an argument where she storms off, slams doors and chucks things around. My husband and I are walking on eggshells around her.
She’s always had everything she’s wanted as she’s an only child. We had her at 40 after years of trying to conceive without success – she was our miracle baby.
I sometimes wonder if the fact we’re a bit older than most of her friends’ parents has got something to do with it, although we’re not stuck in our ways and are young at heart.
Her latest thing is threatening us with leaving home as soon as she’s able to because she “can’t stand being here”, even though she never explains why, other than to say we “don’t understand” her and we “don’t listen” to her. It’s frustrating and infuriating, especially at the moment when we have no choice but to be together all the time.
Have you any advice on how we can reason with her and make things easier at home?
Any advice?
Coleen says
I suspect her behaviour is more to do with her age than yours. She’s a teenager, her hormones are raging and there's the pressure of schoolwork and navigating social situations. It can be a confusing and daunting time.
I found the teenage years with my sons very challenging – all those toddler tantrums and eight-year-old meltdowns paled in comparison!
She seems very angry and I think it’s important to encourage her to tell you why that is. Maybe try talking to her in a different way – treat her like a grown-up and don’t do it mid-meltdown. It might take some time, so be patient.
I know it’s hard to keep your cool when she’s being so difficult, but have a go at remaining ridiculously calm, whatever she throws at you. If she stops getting a reaction she’s got nowhere to go with it – she’ll start to feel silly stomping upstairs and slamming doors.
All the drama could be a way of trying to get your attention – maybe she’s feeling stressed and vulnerable, but doesn’t know how to talk to you about what’s bothering her.
Maybe she’s looking for reassurance, so remind her you love her and only want her to be happy, and you’re always there if she needs to talk, however embarrassing or difficult the subject might be. Good luck.
