Dear Coleen
I’m a man in my 40s and have been with my partner for two years and we live together. My problem is her 20-year-old son has dropped out of university and is now living back at home with us.
It’s completely changed things and the atmosphere is horrible.
He does nothing all day and goes out with mates in the evenings, and clearly has no plan for what he’s going to do.
He’s my partner’s only child with her ex-husband and she spoils him – or more accurately, lets him get away with murder.
He’s also sullen and disrespectful to me – it’s like I’m suddenly a lodger living in his home!
His father is worse than useless and takes little interest in what he’s doing, so no one is guiding him or disciplining him, which I realise is hard with a 20-year-old.
I lost my rag the other day and told my partner things had to change as he’s causing a lot of tension between us. I don’t agree with how she lets him behave and she never backs me up.
She admits it’s not an ideal situation and wants him to find his own place, but he has no money. I just want things to go back to how they were and to reclaim my home. Have you any ideas?
Coleen says
I understand how hard this is for you and also for your partner because she loves her son and probably feels stuck between a rock and a hard place.
It does sound like she’s being too accommodating – if he doesn’t have to get off his backside and make a plan, then he just won’t do it.
He has no incentive to change his situation while he’s able to treat the house like a hotel and get everything paid for him.
I think the most important thing is to work with your partner on this and not against her. You need to have an honest discussion about where you go from here, agree on it (even if it means both of you compromising over certain things) and then present a united front to her son.
From a mum’s point of view, of course she feels protective and wants to try to help him. However, part of helping him is to have boundaries and goals, and not to allow him to just lie around all day.
If he wants to stay at home until he decides what he wants to do, then he needs to start taking responsibility for certain things and respecting house rules – and you.
Kicking him out is unrealistic and not the answer if he has no money or anywhere to go, but he should have a plan to work towards.
Maybe you could take him out for a drink and talk to him man-to-man about how he’s feeling and what he wants for his future.
It might help to start building trust and even friendship – and make living together in the short term a bit easier for all of you.
