Dear Coleen
I’ve been really worried about my 15-year-old daughter over the past few months. She’s a good student and has always been popular at school, but she’s being ganged up on by three other girls in her class who leave her out, whisper about her, call her names and make nasty comments.
My daughter is also very pretty and confident – not the kind of girl you’d imagine would become the target of bullies. This is really affecting her self-esteem and she’s become quiet and withdrawn, and stopped talking to me about it.
She just says she’s “OK” and “It is what it is”. I think she’s worried about me making a fuss about it at school. I have mentioned it to the head teacher and things were better for a while, but they’ve deteriorated again.
I’m worried that this is going to damage my daughter’s mental health and that it’ll also affect her studies as it’s an important exam year.
I feel quite powerless over the situation and I want to protect her, but I don’t know what to do for the best any more. Can you offer any advice?
Coleen says
I think you have to speak to the school again and keep doing it until it does get sorted out. And speak to your daughter and try to get her to see that the reason these girls are being mean is probably down to jealousy because she is confident and popular and they feel insecure about themselves.
These girls might have even noticed that boys are interested in your daughter and are taking it out on her. These situations are really hard, but the more she lets them see they’re getting to her, the more they’ll do it because they’re getting a reaction.
It’s important to build up her self-esteem so she feels strong enough to walk away and to feel confident that she doesn’t want to be part of a gang like that.
That might be hard at first and she might have to pretend she doesn’t care while inside she’s hurting, but if she acts as if she’s not bothered, they’ve got no ammunition.
At her age, your daughter probably won’t want you going into school, but you don’t have to let her know. And why not tell the head teacher that unless they put an end to it, you’ll be forced to call a meeting with the girls’ parents to discuss it. I’m sure they’ll want to be seen to be on top of things.
They will have seen this kind of behaviour lots of times and it’s their responsibility to sort it out if it’s happening under their roof.
Even talking to the class in general terms, without pointing anyone out, and making everyone aware there’s zero tolerance when it comes to bullying and that they have eyes on it, should have an impact.
