Dear Coleen
I’m a woman aged 45 and my husband is 52. We used to have a really good sex life – I wouldn’t exactly say we swung from chandeliers or anything, but it was satisfying, fun and loving.
Now, though, it seems that making love is just too much effort for him. He’s always tired or grumpy or on his laptop.
We’ve spoken about it at length and he says his head is so full of work and he feels so exhausted that sex is the last thing on his mind.
I get that he has a stressful job, but I keep trying to tell him that sex is great for tension.
He’s behaving like a man much older than 52 and it’s not a turn on for me.
Our twin daughters are at university, so it’s easy to find the time and space to make love.
He agreed to aim for twice a week, which worked at first, but it quickly drifted back to zero.
And when we did do it, he barely broke sweat.
I’m feeling shortchanged and I don’t want to give up this side of my life at 45.
Can you give us some guidance?
Coleen says
You sound quite angry and maybe he feels that. I know you’re frustrated with the situation, but anger, pressure and keeping to a twice-weekly sex quota isn’t that sexy!
I know it’s difficult, but maybe you need to back off a bit, take the emphasis away from sex and work on rebuilding intimacy.
You can be physically close without having sex and be romantic towards each other, which all helps to connect you again as a couple. And it’ll put you in a better place for sex to take place.
Stress of any kind is pretty effective at putting out the flames of desire, so maybe also talk to him about options for how to manage it better. And show him you empathise and ask if there’s anything you can do to help.
It’s a terrible cliché, but also taking a break together, away from home and work stress, can also help.
The good thing is you’re able to discuss it, but try not to be accusatory.
It might also help to see a psycho-sexual counsellor if your husband would agree to it.
