Dear Coleen
My ex-husband and I have been apart for 23 years since he cheated on me and caused complete chaos.
We have a daughter together (his only child) and a grandson, who he sees every week, and we are good friends now.
The only issue is his wife of 12 years, who won’t allow him to visit my daughter’s house if I’m there too.
My daughter wants to arrange a family meal to celebrate her birthday and would like me to be there.
I’d be going alone as I haven’t met anyone else since my marriage ended all those years ago.
However, my ex’s wife just won’t have it.
It really upsets my daughter that her dad always sides with his wife, and it makes her feel unimportant to him.
I’ve met his wife a few times over the years, but she always goes out of her way to make me feel uncomfortable.
I feel so bad for my daughter, who just wants both her parents at a birthday meal. Should I just not go and leave them to it?
What do you think?
Coleen says
I think your ex-husband’s wife must be extremely insecure if she’s behaving like this when it’s been 23 years since your marriage ended.
Her behaviour is selfish and short-sighted, but she clearly feels pretty threatened by you.
This situation calls for someone to be a grown up.
I don’t think you should back out of the meal, and neither should your husband.
It’s important to your daughter that both of you are there.
If his wife doesn’t feel comfortable about being there, then she doesn’t have to attend.
I think your ex needs to stand up to his wife.
If the two of you can overcome your differences to get along for the sake of your daughter, then his wife should get on board.
It’s not as if you’re constantly in touch and seeing each other all the time.
But, the truth is, you’ll always be in each other’s lives to some extent because you’re linked through your daughter and grandson.
There will be many more family occasions – births, christenings, marriages, weddings, kids’ parties, graduations and so on.
If his wife is going to kick off every time there’s a celebration, she’s only going to make things painful for everyone, including herself.
Talk to your ex-husband and explain how important it is to your daughter to have you both present on occasions like this one and at future celebrations.
You could reach out to her too, if you can bear it. Be the bigger person and show her you’re not a threat and just want to do what’s right for your daughter and her family.
