Dear Coleen
I was married to my husband for 35 years and we have three grown-up children. Four years ago we divorced, very amicably, after growing apart.
We carried on having the odd family lunch together at the weekend, and continued to play a joint role in our grandchildren’s lives.
Two years ago he met somebody else, who I never really warmed to.
She didn’t appreciate the fact that my husband and I were still close.
Very sadly my ex-husband died of a heart attack a few months ago.
His new wife didn’t want me to go to the funeral, despite the fact our children all pleaded with her to let me come.
Eventually a compromise was reached and I went to the service, but not the after bit at our local pub.
She insisted I wasn’t mentioned in the eulogies and talks.
It felt like I’d been airbrushed out of his life despite the fact we had been together since our late teens and had three fantastic children together.
Whenever anybody tried to confront her about this, she’d play the grieving widow role.
She’s now dividing up his belongings, and I’ve asked for an old framed photo of the five of us when the children were younger, but his widow is insisting she can’t find it among my ex-husband’s belongings.
I’m so upset and want to go round and speak to her about the way she’s behaving, but my children don’t want me to.
The stress is making me ill. What should I do?
Coleen says
I think you have to look at things in a more positive, kind and sympathetic way.
This woman probably knew that you were the love of her husband’s life, and that you and him enjoyed an amazing relationship, and friendship, that continued even when your marriage ended.
That’s hard for another woman, especially one who is grieving the loss of her partner.
You’re the mother of his children, and you have all these incredible memories of this wonderful man, and that’s something she can never take away from you.
And of course, you’re grieving too, which is making this even more painful and complicated.
If there are things of your ex’s that you want, why not ask the kids to get them for you but don’t say who it’s for?
She doesn’t need to know it’s for you.
His late partner’s current behaviour is driven by jealousy and it’s coming out as control, but try not to let it ruin your memories of your ex.
