Dear Coleen
I’m a woman in my 30s and I’ve known my best friend since childhood. She has a very different life – single and lives on her own, while I’m married with two children.
Over the past couple of years she’s become really competitive – if I get something new, she’ll have to buy it, too. If I go on holiday, she’s either been to that place or somewhere even better. I suppose I’ve learnt to ignore it, although it is very annoying.
My husband doesn’t understand why I put up with it but, the truth is, I feel a bit sorry for her and also a bit responsible for her.
However, recently she’s also been telling lies about me, which even I think is a step too far. She told some friends that I made some bitchy comments about them, which I didn’t. Why would she want to stir up trouble like this when all I’ve ever done is be a good friend to her?
I obviously put these other friends straight, but what if I hadn’t found out and they’d thought I’d said these horrible things? What should I do? I don’t want to close the door on our friendship, but I want her to know that what she’s doing isn’t acceptable.
What do you think is going on and can you suggest anything to help the situation?
Coleen says
I think the simple explanation is that she’s insecure, unhappy and jealous of the life you have.
Whatever the reasons behind her behaviour, it’s really about her, not you. If you still want her to be a big part of your life, then I think your only option is to be honest with her about what you’ve been told and how you feel about the way she behaves when you’re supposed to be best mates. If you don’t, she’ll probably just carry on behaving like this and it might get worse.
You have a lot of history together, so you ought to be able to tell her how you feel without losing her as a friend. Perhaps the way to open the discussion is to ask her if she’s OK because you’d heard some things she’d said to friends and wondered why she’d said them.
You could also have a cooling-off period where you don’t see so much of her, which would give her time to take stock and think about what your friendship means to her. However, sometimes friendships do run their course, even long-term ones.
It’s normal to be closer to and have more in common with different friends at different points in life. When you have young kids, for example, you tend to gravitate to other mums at the same stage. Don’t feel guilty if you need to take time out from the friendship, but hopefully she’ll think about what you say and she’ll open up to you. You might even become closer as a result.
