Dear Coleen
My boyfriend and I have been together for three years, and over the past 18 months, we’ve been arguing a lot. Now it’s got much worse as we’re with each other all the time in lockdown.
Our arguments are never over anything big – it starts with something small and ends up with him accusing me of not trusting him and me accusing him of being cut-off and secretive. It’s the same every time.
He is quite a secretive person – he’s on his phone a lot and when he was going into work he’d often call to say he’d be home late without much of an explanation.
He says I’m making things up in my head, and that he can’t stand his every move being watched.
The other night we had the worst argument ever and I threatened to leave – what I actually did was sit in the car for an hour.
We haven’t spoken much since. I don’t know if I blow things out of proportion or if I’m right any more.
We do love each other, but I don’t think we can carry on like this.
What do you think?
Coleen says
Let me play devil’s advocate for a minute. Maybe he chooses not to mention everything to you in case you get the wrong idea and it starts a row.
If it feels like he’s being watched all the time then he might think it’s too risky to mention that he’s been out for a drink with workmates or that he’s exchanged texts with a female friend or colleague, for example.
I wonder what’s at the root of your suspicions – has he actually given you a good reason to doubt him?
If this is the case, perhaps you can explain to him that his behaviour is having the opposite effect because it’s simply fuelling your fears.
There’s a communication gap here. You must try to explain calmly to each other how you feel, without interrupting and not when you’re mid-argument. You have to be honest – even if it’s painful.
If you feel an argument coming on, walk away until you’ve both calmed down. Even in lockdown it is possible to have time out from each other and it’s important for your own sanity.
Go for a walk, take a bath, retreat to your bedroom to read. Everything is going to feel more intense right now, so it’s vital to create breathing space.
