Dear Coleen
I’m a 48-year-old man and I’ve been married for 20 years. We have a 16-year-old daughter, who lives at home, and a son who is 18 and at university.
My problem is, I’m very unhappy in my marriage. I didn’t always feel this way – things were great for the first 10years, but my wife has changed a lot and I’m not in love with her any more.
It’s the usual story – I stayed for the kids and also because I care about my wife and still love her, but only as a friend and the mother of my children.
She doesn’t feel the same and doesn’t want a divorce. I’ve talked to her in the past about how miserable I am in the marriage, but she gets angry and defensive and won’t listen.
I struggle to understand why she wants us to stay married when she stopped making any effort a long time ago.
It’s been a very one-sided relationship in recent years. I have had to do almost everything in terms of the family and the house, as well as work full time, and it’s ground me down.
But if I hadn’t done it, our lives would have been chaos.
We haven’t had sex in at least two years and I admit that’s mostly down to me because it feels wrong.
It’s over, but I don’t know how to make her see that going our separate ways will mean we’ll both be happier in the long run.
Coleen says
You obviously feel a great deal of responsibility for your wife and her feelings, and that’s what’s kept you going in the marriage. Of course, it’s a sad situation when you’ve been together so long and you were once very happy. There’s no getting away from that I’m afraid and, even though you’re the one driving a separation, you’ll feel that heartache, too.
But, and it’s a big but, you can’t stay with someone out of pity or guilt. Even though you’re managing the situation now, it’ll become harder. And will be harder to separate amicably.
She could be unhappy, too, but is clinging on to the marriage out of fear. I get that because I’ve been in the same situation and it’s terrifying, especially when you’re older, to face life as a single person.
It’s not going to be easy, but you have to get past the shouting and actually talk about how you move forward.
Ask her if she’s truly happy or just afraid of taking a leap into the unknown. Couples therapy could help you both with this transition, but especially your wife, as she’ll feel supported and able to express herself in a safe space.
I know first hand that it is possible to find happiness post-divorce and to remain friends once the dust settles.
Get as much support from family and friends as possible, and good luck.
