Dear Coleen, my sister and I have always had quite a competitive relationship. However, things took a turn for the worst a few weeks ago when we had a huge argument at a family gathering and I ended up throwing a glass of wine over her after she said my boyfriend was a “jerk” and a “loser”.
We’d all had a bit to drink and I suppose the row had been brewing for some time. We haven’t spoken since and my parents are distraught. As the elder sibling, my parents have appealed to me to make things right, but I’m just too angry with her.
It annoys me that she looks down on my partner because he’s an artist and earns little money working in pubs. She told me I always make the wrong decisions in life and that I cause our parents lots of worry. She said my entire family is sick of supporting me and making allowances for me.
I think she was referring to the fact I moved back home recently, so I could go back to studying and not pay rent. The whole reason I’m doing that is to get a better job and have a more secure financial future. She just sees my boyfriend and I as liggers. She thinks she’s perfect, of course, and from the outside, I suppose she is – good job and a husband who ticks all the boxes. I’m seething – any thoughts? She’s 29 and I’m 32.
Coleen says
I think both of you need to grow up and climb out of this toxic cycle of sibling rivalry – life isn’t a competition or at least it shouldn’t be. You need to stop thinking about yourselves and think about the effect your feuding is having on your parents. They shouldn’t be in a situation where they’re made to feel uncomfortable or play peacemaker.
Maybe it’s a question of talking to your sister and agreeing to disagree, but not to create a stressful situation for your parents. Don’t get involved in her life and she shouldn’t get involved in yours. Sibling rivalry is pretty normal when you’re children, but when you become adults you should make a decision to behave differently.
It sounds as if your sister might be jealous about you moving home, which might go back to when you were kids and your positions in the family. I think it helps to think of the bigger picture, imagine getting a call saying something had happened to her. You’d be devastated and she would be, too, if she found out you were in real trouble.
It’s no secret that I fell out with two sisters for a good four years and it took the death of our Bernie for us all to reflect and admit it simply wasn’t worth it. Perhaps on a personal level you don’t have that much in common with your sister, but you are family, so don’t turn petty arguments into something so big you can’t come back from it.
