Dear Coleen
For the past 18 months I was seeing a married man. I’m married, too, but was bored with my own relationship and my husband is incredibly selfish and pays me no attention.
The guy I was seeing was passionate and interested in me, and the sex was great.
I would have left my husband to be with him, but he made it clear from the start that although he was in love with me, he also loved his wife and wouldn’t leave her – it was just their sex life that was non-existent and he didn’t find her sexually attractive any more.
To cut a long story short, I started to want more than he was willing to give and I began to feel a bit used, so I made the tough decision to walk away, even though I didn’t want to.
He’s been in touch several times, saying he misses me, still loves me and wants to see me, but I’ve said no. I’m so miserable, though, because I was happy when we were together and I have to fight the urge to contact him.
I’ve got myself into such a mess and don’t know what to do.
Coleen says
I think you made the right decision and you appear to know that, too, but it’s still going to hurt. As well as the excitement this affair offered, you had also grown close to him. But I think you have to keep reminding yourself that it was never going to be more than an affair – he told you that right from the start.
I don’t think you would have got into this affair if you were happy in your marriage and that’s what you have to confront.
You’ll never be happy if you keep sticking your head in the sand and ignoring the fact that your marriage isn’t working, and you’re probably likely to have another affair too.
Tell your husband you’re unhappy and discuss whether you are both willing to put in the effort to make it work, or whether you need to walk away. And if you do want to work through it, think about therapy as a way forward.
As for the guy you were having an affair with, make it clear you don’t want him to contact you, otherwise it’s going to be hard to move on.
The bottom line is, it was really just about the sex for him and he wasn’t offering a proper relationship.
