Dear Coleen, I’m a married man in my 30s and, before the lockdown, I started sleeping with a woman at work.
She’s single, but I’m married and have two young children.
I’m not proud of what I’ve done, but it happened and now I’m dealing with the consequences because this woman is threatening to tell my wife about us.
I saw her a few times during lockdown – again, I’m not proud of it – but I ended things a few weeks ago and she didn’t take it well. She accused me of messing her around and she seems very bitter and angry, even though she knew I was married.
I’ve been an idiot, but now I’m living in fear of my wife finding out, and at some point she’s going to notice that I’m acting weird.
I want to stay married to her and I’m prepared to do anything to save our relationship.
This woman doesn’t have any contact details for my wife, but a couple of my other colleagues know my wife well and, if they find out, then there’s a chance my wife will too.
How can I get myself out of this unbearable situation and save my marriage?
Coleen says
You can’t live your life constantly waiting for the axe to fall on your marriage. I think the only way to have peace of mind and to be able to control how your wife receives this news is to tell her yourself.
At least then you can try to put it in context and explain why you did it.
You can also go back to this other woman and tell her there’s no point in threatening or blackmailing you because you’ve told your wife everything.
It’s not easy to do and I doubt your wife will take it well, but admitting it is far better than her finding out from someone else.
If she does give you another chance, then it’s up to you to prove that she can trust you again. It’s also important to address the issues in your marriage that made you vulnerable to this affair and work through them.
That’s going to require complete honesty from both of you in order to move on. If you need help doing that, then couples’ therapy is a good option.
