Dear Coleen
I’m a man in my early 30s and have been seeing a woman I’m totally in love with for about six months. Things are going great between us – we spent Christmas with each other’s families and we’re planning a trip together this summer.
My only problem is, I don’t like her group of friends. They’re very shallow and always bitching and gossiping. They’ve never been that nice to me and I always feel I’m on trial every time we’re out with them.
She’s not like the rest of them at all, so I’m confused about why she wants to hang out with them. They’re just not very nice and I don’t trust any of them.
I hate the thought of these people being in our lives, but what can I do about it? I thought maybe it was just me, but then I invited some of my mates on a night out and they agreed with me – “What does she see in them?” was the general opinion.
I’ve never told her how I really feel about them and don’t know whether I should. I don’t want it to become an issue that causes problems between us. What do you think?
Coleen says
I think perhaps you’re worrying about it more than you should. In reality, you probably don’t have to see them that much and, as your relationship develops, you’ll probably see even less of them.
But you shouldn’t encourage her not to see them. They are her friends and maybe they have a shared history that goes way back to college or school.
If you do start to interfere, she’ll resent it and you’ll come across as controlling. Would you accept it if she told you she didn’t like your mates and didn’t want you to see them?
I know it’s not ideal if you don’t get on with your partner’s friends, but most of the time it’s just the two of you and that’s what you have to focus on.
If you stay together, you’ll increase your social circle as a couple and make more mutual friends.
I also think as your relationship becomes more serious, your girlfriend will probably rely on her friends less, so they won’t be as big a part of your life as they are at the moment.
And so what if they haven’t warmed to you? What counts is what your girlfriend thinks and the relationship between the two of you.
