Dear Coleen
I’m a man in my late 30s and am used to being successful in life generally.
I was good at school, good at sports, got a first-class degree and went on to have a good career.
I’m married to a smart and gorgeous woman and we have an 18-month-old daughter.
However, the past year has been an unmitigated disaster on an epic scale.
I messed up badly at work, which resulted in the company losing a big contract, and have since been sidelined for other projects.
I also made a bad financial decision, which means we might have to sell our house, and my wife is devastated about the prospect of moving out of our home.
This has caused lots of stress in our marriage and I’m not sure she feels the same way about me any more.
I don’t know how to get out of this spiral of negativity.
I’ve started smoking again and drinking too much, and feel so down on myself.
I’ve never been in this situation before and don’t know where to turn – can you advise?
Coleen says
It’s life and none of us gets through it without facing challenges, whether it’s personal or professional disappointment or coping after losing a loved one.
Maybe you haven’t been challenged before, but you will grow as a person from this experience and you’ll be stronger as a result.
We find out a lot about ourselves when we’re having a tough time – maybe you’re the kind of person who’s always been very self-reliant and finds it hard to ask for help.
So maybe that’s where you should start – reaching out to others for guidance and support.
That might be your boss at work, a therapist, a friend and your wife.
Being able to reach out shows strength, not weakness.
As for your marriage, all long-term relationships are tested by life events, but if you can be open and honest with your wife and show her that you’re taking steps to get out of this spiral of negativity, it’ll go a long way.
But you have to be a team.
No one is perfect – we all have times in life when we make mistakes and bad choices, but it’s how you get through it that counts.
I think your confidence has been knocked and it might take a bit of time to regain it – just take it day by day.
And why not consider counselling, so you can work things through without fear of any judgment?
