Dear Coleen
My second husband and I have been together for eight years, and we’re both in our 40s. For the past couple of years, things haven’t been good. We’ve grown apart and pretty much lead separate lives.
Before lockdown, he spent most of his time at work and, when he wasn’t at work, he was at the pub.
These past few months have been awful – ignoring each other, taking the dog out separately. And sex is no longer on the agenda.
I was plucking up the courage to say something when he dropped the bombshell that he didn’t want us to be in a romantic relationship any more, but wanted us to just be friends, living in the same house.
The thing is, we’re not friends – we barely talk to each other, yet I’m still the one who makes the dinner and does the laundry. I’m starting to feel used and it’s lonely.
If it’s going to be like this, I’d rather end the marriage, but I feel such a failure as this is my second marriage and I worry about being alone.
Do you have any advice?
Coleen says
Look, I understand how scary it is to walk away from a marriage – and from a second marriage – but you have to focus on what makes you happy.
You’re already lonely and miserable, so how could a new life, where you have the freedom to do what you want, be worse than this?
I don’t think your husband is treating you as a friend – he’s doing all the taking and you’re doing all the giving.
He’s behaving more like a lodger and you’re his housekeeper.
Ask yourself what you’re going to miss from being in this relationship.
If you divorce, your assets will be split fairly, which will give you the springboard for a fresh start.
And each step you take, the more confidence you’ll gain. You just need to dig deep and find the courage to take that first step.
He’s made his feelings clear about what he wants, but that’s not enough for you, so tell him that and start planning your future.
I divorced my second husband a couple of years ago and, yes, it was a tough decision, but I can honestly say I’m in a much better place, and we’re both happier. Good luck.
