Dear Coleen: I feel a need to tell my ex I cheated before we split up

Dear Coleen

I had sex with a woman I met on a lads’ holiday. I was still with my girlfriend at the time, but I wore protection.

I felt bad almost immediately, but decided not to tell my ­girlfriend because we were having other problems and I didn’t want to complicate things even more.

As it turned out, she dumped me anyway. 

At the moment I don’t think I stand a chance of getting back with her – we’ve been separated for three months – but the fact I cheated is eating away at me.

I know if we do end up back together I won’t be able to handle the guilt of the one-night stand and I’ll have to tell her, which makes me think I should just tell her now.  

I hate myself for doing that to her because I really loved her and still do – we’d been dating for three years. I wish I’d realised what I had and not sabotaged our relationship by being immature and selfish.

So my question is, should I appeal to her to give me another chance when I know what I did?

Any advice would be appreciated – this is eating me up!

Coleen says

Well, you’re not together at the moment, so I’m wondering why you’re worrying about it so much.

Is to alleviate some guilt? You might feel better unburdening yourself, but she’ll be angry and upset all over again, and I doubt it’s going to make her more likely to take you back.

If you don’t think there’s a chance of you getting back together, then why tell her?

I’m all for being honest, but I’m not sure what it would achieve to tell her now.

If she got in touch with you, saying she wanted to give the ­relationship another go, that’s probably your opportunity to confess, so she has all the information and you can start with a clean slate if she’s prepared to do that. 

I know you miss her and say you love her, but there must have been ­something fundamentally wrong for you to sleep with someone else.

It’s convenient to blame alcohol or your mates, but I doubt you would have got yourself into that situation if you were 100% sure about your ­relationship. If you did get back together, you’d need to tackle those underlying issues.