Dear Coleen
About eight months ago, my husband had an emotional affair with a colleague. I found out after reading his work Teams chat and it was a massive shock.
We’ve been together 20 years and have two children, and although things were quite tough over the lockdowns for us as a couple, I thought we were OK and had a solid and loving relationship. I was so hurt.
We talked about it a lot at the time and decided to move on from it, and he stopped messaging her privately. Fortunately, he works from home most of the time, so they have very minimal contact.
My problem is, every time we argue about something, I feel this resentment building up over his relationship with this woman. I thought I was over it, but clearly I’m not. Sometimes I really hate him!
It was hard reading those messages to her, which were intimate, flirtatious and even referenced movies and books that were special to us.
It’s had a much longer-lasting effect on me than I thought it would have and I don’t really know if things will ever be the same or if I can move on properly. I’d love your advice.
Coleen says
I think a lot of people who have emotional affairs justify it by saying they didn’t have sex, so it wasn’t cheating. Well, becoming emotionally close to someone is a betrayal and, in fact, some would argue it’s more intimate than sex.
When things happened in my previous relationships, I didn’t even think about the sex; what hurt most was that my partner cared about another woman. So I get how you’re feeling. It’s not something you can just put to one side.
I know I harp on about counselling a lot on this page, but please try it (alone or with your husband) to help you work through what’s happened. It’ll also help you get to what you want and what’s going to make you happy. I still have counselling regularly and it helps to ground me.
I think it’s going to take more time for you to properly move on from this emotional affair. I don’t think it’s enough to have a few conversations at the time and then shelve it – it has to be an ongoing conversation. The trust you had in him has been badly damaged and you can get it back, but it takes effort and patience.
Tell your husband you’re still struggling to get past it and you need to have an open and honest dialogue going forward.
