Dear Coleen
My son is getting married this August and I wish I could be happy about it, but I can’t.
His fiancee is not the kind of person I ever expected him to fall in love with and I can’t get on with her.
Our family is very different to hers – we’re close, pretty normal and share everything. She, on the other hand, has divorced parents and is very spoilt.
She is selfish and expects everything on a plate, and is cold, too.
I know it might sound petty, but she looks down her nose at us and whenever I’m with her I get a really strong feeling that she’d rather be somewhere else.
I’m dreading their wedding and I’m really not sure I can plaster a smile on my face when I worry that my son is making a dreadful mistake.
She’s organised the guest list, leaving out people I would have liked to invite because her family are paying for most of it, although we’re providing the flowers which came at great cost as she wants the best of everything.
Have you any advice on how I can cope on the day and move on?
Coleen says
It sounds as if you’re feeling overwhelmed emotionally because you haven’t expressed how you’re feeling.
You can’t tell your son you don’t like his fiancee, but you can tell him you’re disappointed that you didn’t get to invite some of the people you felt should be there.
And you can stand up for yourself if you’re feeling railroaded into things his fiancee wants to do.
Emotions tend to get ramped up several notches around a wedding – the stress does funny things to people.
And, you might find that when the big day is over, your daughter-in-law will calm down and be a bit nicer all round to you and the family.
Then you might have the chance to build a better relationship with her.
I think it can be difficult when very different families merge through marriage.
The differences are probably part of what attracted your son to his fiancee and they’re not always necessarily a bad thing.
Acknowledge you’re different and then try to find a way to bridge that gap.
You might never be best friends with your daughter-in-law, but you might get to like her better and be able to accept her and understand why your son’s in love with her.
I’m sure you will enjoy the wedding once you’re there and have some of your close family and friends around you.
Your son is happy, which is the main thing, and, if it turns out the marriage is a mistake, then you have to accept that it’s his mistake to make and he’ll learn from it.
Good luck!
