Dear Coleen
I’m a woman in my early 40s with one daughter, who’s 10. I’ve been really struggling with getting older and just feel a bit lost.
My husband and I have been together since we were 25 and things have become boring and routine. I’m not interested in sex much either, which he’s obviously noticed and isn’t happy about.
A few months ago, I started an anonymous blog about how I was feeling and the challenges for 40-something women. At first it was a chance to just get my feelings out, but it’s become really popular and it means I’m on my laptop all the time.
As a result, my husband is convinced I’m seeing someone else because I’m ‘cagey’ and close my computer whenever he’s around. The truth is, I just don’t want him to know about the blog as he features in it a lot.
It’s my thing and I don’t want to give it up, but I’m certainly not cheating. I actually still love him and don’t want to lose him, but I don’t think he’ll be sympathetic to how I feel.
I’m sick of trying to convince him nothing is going on. Any ideas?
Coleen says
Yes, tell him the truth. Compared to what he’s imagining you’re up to, a blog is nothing! He doesn’t have to read it and so what if he does? It might actually be a way of him getting to the heart of how you’re feeling and why you’ve been behaving differently. And then you can open up a discussion.
You have to look at it from his point of view – you’ve given him reason to worry. You’ve gone off sex and you’re constantly online and then snap your computer shut whenever he walks into the room.
It’s suspicious behaviour, but he’ll probably be hugely relieved when you tell him the real reason.
I think you have to weigh up what’s more important – him or the blog. But also, you don’t know how he’ll react to it. It’s anonymous, so no one knows it’s about you and him. Why would you have to give it up?
You both need to start communicating again and talk about the big issues in your marriage such as the lack of intimacy and the reasons for that. Stop closing yourself off from him and let him in.
