Dear Coleen
I have a history of failed relationships. My first proper boyfriend was in his 40s when I was in my 20s. I moved into his home and he worked nights while I went to college during the day and had a part-time cleaning job so I could contribute to the grocery bills.
Then I got another job, so I could save for our wedding, which never happened. He contributed nothing and, in the end, kicked me out of his house leaving me feeling hurt and used. It took me a while to get over it.
He never seemed to care about me or look out for me the way my friends’ partners did for them.
The next failed relationship was with someone who seemed nice at first, but then he told me he didn’t have much money, so I felt sorry for him and helped him to buy things like new glasses and food.
He turned nasty and abusive, and left horrible voice messages on my phone, which has really affected my self-confidence and my work.
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Naturally, I walked away from the relationship but he has harassed me and bullied me to the extent that, when I see him now, I have to hide as I feel pretty scared.
I found out later he has learning difficulties, which might account for some of the behaviour.
I would be grateful for any advice and to know it’s OK not to have a man.
Coleen says
Of course it’s more than OK to be on your own and you need some proper time to focus on yourself, your work, your friends and rebuilding your confidence.
You’ve been out with a couple of real rotters, but perhaps you need to ask yourself if you’re settling for these guys because you think you ought to be in a relationship.
Why do you feel under pressure to be with someone, even if they’re not right for you?
You should only be in a relationship because you’re in love, there’s mutual respect, you support each other, you absolutely love being with the other person and you see it going somewhere – not just for the sake of it!
Value yourself more – just like your friends, you deserve to be with a man who cares for you and looks out for you, but I think you’re trying too hard to fit yourself into the lives of these guys who aren’t what you really want.
You’ll know when you meet someone special because the chemistry will be there. In the meantime, enjoy your social life without thinking of every guy as a potential boyfriend.
And talk to your friends about how you feel – get them to send up an emergency flare if they see you heading for another unsuitable scoundrel!
