Like a lot of men, LeBron James has a problem. I'm here to help.
James says he is chasing Michael Jordan. Here's how to do it:
Look in the mirror, take out a razor, shave your head.
It's time James embraced his baldness and promoted a national conversation about this crisis. It really came to light recently when Joe Buck, the voice of Fox Sports, admitted he had a problem.
"I, Joseph Francis Buck, became a hair-plug addict," he wrote in his new book.
It was 1993, and he'd just undergone his first hair-replacement procedure. Buck eventually had seven more, then something went awry on the last one.
Buck awoke from the anesthesia with a paralyzed vocal cord. He didn't want to tell anyone what happened, so he told people he had a virus. He now admits what his real problem was.
"It was vanity," Buck said. "Pure vanity."
That's sad but understandable, seeing how much baldism still exists in America. We've had only three bald presidents (and today's grand prize goes to the first reader who can name them).
I don't want to say James is vain, but he does have a personal barber he brought with him to Cleveland from Miami. The barber swears LeBron's noggin hasn't been painted or plugged, but expecting the truth out of him is like expecting Mike Pence to admit Donald Trump uses plugs made of Vladimir Putin's chest hair (To meet the FCC Fairness Doctrine, we must point out that we tried to ask the Clinton campaign if Hillary has hair plugs, but Tim Kaine kept interrupting).
Take it from a guy who knows, LeBron. Creeping baldness is nothing to be ashamed of. It's often due to an excess of testosterone, which the body converts into dihydrotestosterone, a follicle-killing molecule.
And yes, I just wanted to use the word "dihydrotestosterone."
The truth, LeBron, is you and I have too much testosterone. Dang it, we're just too manly to have Fabio hair.
So were NBA legends like Jordan, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar and Dwight D. Eisenhower (oops, consider that a clue to today's quiz). And look what embracing baldness did for Andre Agassi.
He started losing his glorious mullet at 19. He said he lost his French Open final because he was petrified his wig was going to fly off.
Agassi finally decided to stop living a lie. Coincidentally, he went from No. 110 to No. 1 after embracing his baldness.
"When I did that, I never felt freer in my life," he recently told Business Insider. "It was like a weight off my shoulders. I hated feeling like a fraud."
I'm pretty sure LeBron will never wear a mullet wig. But he'll need every conceivable weight off his shoulders if he's going to accomplish his ultimate goal.
"My motivation is this ghost I'm chasing," he told Sports Illustrated. "The ghost played in Chicago."
He didn't mean Jay Cutler. The ghost he meant looked in the mirror when he was about 25, saw the future and grabbed a razor.
So if LeBron really wants to be like Mike, the best way is to be like Mike.
